28: We have a sitter!

And I am not talking about someone to watch Ryan.

About mid February Ryan has started to hold his own bottle. I still have to help him out with the angle but he has it down.







































When he first started to grab it he would do this crazy Gollum style "my precious" grab and look, it is honestly priceless. But that is not what this post is about. This post is about my little man hitting a big milestone. He can now sit on his own without me holding on.

It's taken about a month but he has finally got it down. Back straight, head held high. Now all we need to figure out is how to reach and grab without falling over. I am sure he will get that in no time.

27: I am torn.

To be honest I have never been happy about the choice for my son's name. I did not want to be named after his father but I did not have any other boy's names in mind. Now that Joel and I have been struggling I am scared I am going to be stuck calling him, Joel-Ryan, Joel. I do not want that. Lately we have been calling him Ryan but I really want to change his name. I was thinking Ryan Anthony. Is it so wrong to change his name? Even though my son doesn't have a choice right now?

I just hate calling him Joel, I hate knowing that he is a junior. Why, oh why, did I not sit there while we were in the hospital and think of a better name.

I screwed up...yet again. And to top it off I screwed up something for my son...

26: Those famous doors

There is nothing I hate more then carrying my son through those ER doors. I have seen them way too many times in just his first month of life. The very first time I took that walk from the car to those doors I gripped the handle on his carrier tightly, held my breath and walked in. I never thought I would have to visit this place with Ryan, but there we were. It was the weirdest feeling. Everyone looks up at you. You can hear the lady in the back of the room saying, "Oh the poor baby I wonder what is wrong."

I know it sounds crazy now but the first visit to the ER was over bowel movements. Ryan had about 10 of them in about 2 hours. I am pretty sure the doctors and nurses laughed at me after I had left. Every time someone would walk in they would make the same remark, "You're a first time mom huh?" But I knew deep inside that there was something wrong, something they couldn't see, hear, or touch.

The next time we made the walk through those doors was about two weeks later. The frequent bowel movements had stopped, I mean stopped all together. No more dirty diapers for me. They were replaced by constant vomiting. From the local ER we were rushed to a Children's Hospital to learn that Ryan had pyloric stenosis. The muscle that connects his stomach to his intestines had closed off. He had become dehydrated and needed surgery. Lets just say I saw a lot of doors in this place.

Now four months later, you think I would be use to those glass doors. Lets be honest, they still scare the shit out of me.

So there I stood, Ryan laying in his carrier; coughing, wheezing, unable to breath, outside those doors. I tighten my grip on the carrier, repositioned the diaper bag on my shoulder, took a deep breath and walked in. It was warm, or was it just me? I walk over and sign in. Ryan and me take a seat and wait to be called in. I wipe away the boogers running down his nose and lightly kiss his forehead.

I took him to the doctors on Monday and all I was told was he had a little wheeze and here's a prescription he will be fine. If he will be fine then why am I in the ER waiting room holding a wheezing baby, who's chest I can feel is rattling like crazy?

"Ryan."

We walk to the back. "We need to take x-rays of his chest." Okay, x-rays I can deal with, but isn't this just a normal cold? After being strapped into a clear tube and having his chest x-rayed we learn that Ryan doesn't have a normal cold. He has bronchitis. So we get sent home with four prescriptions.

I know its not the end of the world, but you should see my poor little man. His eyes are red from crying and little sleep. He is hungry but vomits everything he eats. He hasn't slept very well in days. He can't breath and hates when I clean his nose out. Which doesn't do any good cause after sucking all the yuckies out he ends up crying and his nose just ends up stuffed up again.

Right now I am hoping for a very quick recovery. He really needs some sleep.

25: The Castle

 On Tuesday we took off to the coast. Joel, Joel-Ryan, and I. To be honest I was a little scared but I have decided to give Joel one last chance, and he is really trying. Those emotions that I felt when we were fell in love are all coming back. I feel giddy when he holds my hand, I blush when he says 'I love you'. I think this trip is just what we needed.
 


























Joel-Ryan got to stay at his first hotel room. Sadly it wasn't anything fancy just a simple Motel 6. We were only stay one night and heck there is nothing wrong with a Motel 6. Especially if your in the right location haha. I've been to some funky Motel 6s in my times.

As soon as we got there Joel and Joel-Ryan took over the bed for a game of peek-a-boo. Excuse the nakedness, but once he saw sheets he just wanted to play.

He is really big into sheets right now. We actually spend 30 minutes during the day laying in bed just because Joel-Ryan wants to play with sheets. He gets so excited he starts to kick like mad till all the sheets are off of him. Then he eagerly waits for you to put them back on, and the second you do they are right back off.  So if you are ever over to visit and want to hear our little guy laugh you know the first thing to reach for.

We woke up the next morning and headed off to San Simeon. It was such a windy day, as you can tell by my wonderful hairstyle. When we arrived we had to wait about an hour till our tour started. So we walked all around. We ended up out side looking at the trees, birds, and squirrels which Joel-Ryan really didn't enjoy. He was so pissed off at the wind.

Neptune's pool. How freakin' awesome would it be if this was your pool? I can imagine sitting in the living room with guests on a warm summer day. "Hey lets go for a swim next to some ancient ruins." What a way to live.















Remember that living room I talked about? Well, this is it! It was called something else, I think the viewing room or visiting room. I don't remember. But either way it was great. This is probably about a fourth of it.

Then no more then ten minutes after this picture was taken...

He passed out.

He made it half way through the tour and slept the rest. This trip was so much fun. I cannot wait for another.

24: Ugh!!!

I have no clue what happened but for the longest time I could not log in. I started to think, "Don't tell me I am going to have to start this whole blog all over AGAIN!" That would mean blog 3 about the exact same stuff.

Seeing how I have been gone for awhile so much has happen. Joel-Ryan has hit 3 milestones. That's right, THREE.

He has finally rolled over, and boy did he roll. Thursday, February 3rd, we got back to front, then Friday, February 4th, we got front to back. I mean he did it like he's been doing it for months. I missed the back to front. I was in the kitchen making him and I breakfast. When I got up he was laying on the floor playing, next thing I know all I hear is "Uhhh!" and I look back and the little booger is on his stomach. I was so proud I started jumping up and down, smiling and shouting "Good job!" and "You did it!" at him.

Then on Friday everyone caught it. Mom, Stacy, Andrew and me were all in the living room with him and I put him on his tummy. All of a sudden, whoop! He rolled. If you would have blinked you would have missed it.

Now the last milestone. On Wednesday, February 9th, not only did he turn 5 months but he finally got his first tooth! Right now its just a small little white line poking ever so slightly out from his gums but it is there. And boy do I feel it when he takes a bite out of my finger. Which at the moment I really do not mind. I think I am so proud I push the "ouch" to the back of my mind. I just wish Joel-Ryan could do the same. Poor little guy has been up every night in pain. It breaks my heart cause I feel like I cannot do anything to ease the pain. I know there is orajel, tylenol and amber necklaces but I feel like I have a new born all over again. I am unsure if that cry is a "Mommy I'm in pain" or a "Mommy I'm tired/hungry/cold/hot/etc.".  But all in all I am enjoying this new adventure.

23: Regrets and Raspberries.

This weekend was awful. I honestly regret going. I have never acted more fake in my entire life. Thank goodness it is over. From the beginning all I heard was, "Oh my gosh you use cloth, those are the worse things to put on your baby" to "Oh yeah, so and so has been together for 40 years! I know relationships take work." Says the lady who go a divorce. ::rolls eyes::

I just wish I could put this whole weekend in the back of my mind and never have to think about it again. But then Joel comes around and has been begging for the past two days that he wishes I would move back and that he loves me and wishes I could forgive him. I mean I forgave him how long ago? To be honest every time he begs me I want to take another step away from him. It has gotten to the point where I cannot stand him being around. On Monday he brought up divorce again, I told him that I want full custody. He still cannot see why I do not want him alone with the baby. UGH!!!

On a brighter side someone has learned how to do raspberries, but he only does them during diaper changes. The first time he tried, on Saturday, I honestly thought something was wrong. All he kept doing was "ah..ah...ah" then later on all of a sudden he let out a loud raspberry! I almost died from laughing. Here I was crying and worrying that something was wrong with him, and all he was trying to do was blow a raspberry. Silly boy.

Man, my little guy is growing so quickly. You know that in just 8 short days he will be 5 months. I know! 5 months already. It may be going by quickly but I am loving every minute of it.

Also, I have not forgotten about the blog challenge, just leaving this weekend I was so busy packing and freaking out I did not have a chance to do it. But first thing tomorrow I plan to start.

I promise, if not you guys can kick me virtually.

22: Wish me luck.

Tomorrow we are going to his sister's house so they can meet the baby. At first I did not want to go. All week long I was hoping he would forget and I could just spend my weekend here and home, just me and Joel-Ryan. But he did not, darn it!

When he came over today he told me that his sister and niece no longer want me to go over, that they think it will be too awkward. And to be honest it will be, which is why I never wanted to go in the first place. He also told me how he told them everything. Well almost everything. He left out the number one reason why I moved out. Yeah, I was uncomfortable, lonely and miserable, but the main reason I left was because of how he started to make me feel. I even told him today, he broke down and started to cry. He had no clue, even though I have told him three or four times already. Shows how much he listens.

Well, later on he called me and asked me if I still wanted to go. That if it gets awkward we can leave, he said that he does not want to go with out me and Joel-Ryan. I am unsure if this is just a story or the truth, but we are going....Wish me luck!