I'll never win

Mind: So what you doing?

Me: Trying to sleep.

Mind: Want me to sing you a lullabye?

Me: No. Just be quiet.

Mind: Okay.

.....

Mind: Can I talk now?

Me: No.

Mind: But I have a question.

Me: What is it?

Mind: Which do you think is healthier: exercising and eating junk or eating healthy and not exercising?

Me: I don't know. Just be quiet.

Mind: Will do.

.....

Mind: Are you asleep?

Mind: Hello?

Mind: Are you there?

Me: What?

Mind: Are you mad?

Me: No I just want to sleep.

Mind: Okay.

.....

Mind: Can we talk?


------------------------------------------------

Why won't my mind get the hint? I want to sleep.

Dear Mind

Ryan has been asleep for two hours now and her I still lay wide awake. I can't even stop my mind from wandering and it keeps wandering to the same thing. On Sunday my ex sister-in-law passed away. I can't even put into words how I felt when I received the news but the one thing I can not stand is how Ryan's dad is using this against me.

Monday when he came for his visit it started out with him blaming me. If I never would have left him he would still have his dog, who also passed away, and his sister. It's all my fault. Then after an hour of just sitting there with him playing quietly with Ryan he turned it into a way of trying to get me back. I couldn't believe. I felt sorry for the guy and then he does this? How sick can you get?

So now I sit here and the conversation keeps replaying over and over again in my head. "I've realized life is short I don't want to die without you by my side." Part of me wants to slap some sense into him. But then part of me just feels sorry for the guy. If he would have just kept his mouth shut I probably wouldn't have pushed him farther back.

I know its just gonna end up being another long night of laying in my dark room staring at a blurry clock trying to make out if it says 12 or 2. So please mind, can you give a girl a break. Just this once?

My big boy

Someone is now sleeping in a big boy bed. He had a mini crib and has had trouble sleeping for awhile now. So far we are two and half hours into the new bed and not a peep or movement. I think I will start to sleep through the night once again. It's been awhile.

Step One: Put Your Big Girl Panties On

Ryan and I have spent the last week camping with my family. He went on hikes, I cried. He laughed and played, I cried. He built a sand castle, I cried. He sat around a campfire, I cried. He really enjoyed himself, I cried.

I would hide in the tent, the bathroom, the shower, and cry. That is how I spent his first camping trip with a box of tissues and puffy red eyes. The reason being? Friday before we left I got a rather large envelope in the mail addressed from a lawyers office. My heart had sank. He was fighting me. He was filing for full custody, he wants to take Ryan away.

While on the trip I called a lawyer that an ex co-worker of mine told me was really good and gets the job done. So I went to pay him a visit. As I told him everything that has been going on I started to hear my voice quicken. I started to fear that even with this "damn good lawyer", as my co-worker puts it, I was going to lose him. And if I loose him, what do I have to live for? I started out the morning feeling confident and as the words slipped from my mouth all I wanted to do was run home, bury my head under the covers and cry.

I've cried a lot lately. More then when I left. More then anything he has put Ryan and me through. Just the thought of Ryan having to even spend a single night in that house makes my stomach turn.

Even now I am fighting back tears. I want this all to end. I secretly wish he would just go away. Why couldn't it be as easy as throwing out sour milk? The marriage went bad so you toss it out. He doesn't care for his son, he's relationship went Ryan went sour, throw it out. Is that just being selfish of me? I mean, Ryan doesn't even get excited when he sees him, he doesn't even talk to his dad they way he jabbers on and on to all of us. He sits there looks at him then gets excited once I walk into the room. Part of me, a huge part, hopes that when Ryan is old enough he makes the choice to not have his father around. I know, I know....selfish.

To bad genies aren't real.

So I have decided to take step one. I need to store the tissues away for another day and dig in the back of my dresser drawer to find my big girl panties. They have flowers. I will put them on, and I will deal. No more crying for now. Right now I have a fight, and fight I will.