Thursday, January 27, 2011

22: Wish me luck.

Tomorrow we are going to his sister's house so they can meet the baby. At first I did not want to go. All week long I was hoping he would forget and I could just spend my weekend here and home, just me and Joel-Ryan. But he did not, darn it!

When he came over today he told me that his sister and niece no longer want me to go over, that they think it will be too awkward. And to be honest it will be, which is why I never wanted to go in the first place. He also told me how he told them everything. Well almost everything. He left out the number one reason why I moved out. Yeah, I was uncomfortable, lonely and miserable, but the main reason I left was because of how he started to make me feel. I even told him today, he broke down and started to cry. He had no clue, even though I have told him three or four times already. Shows how much he listens.

Well, later on he called me and asked me if I still wanted to go. That if it gets awkward we can leave, he said that he does not want to go with out me and Joel-Ryan. I am unsure if this is just a story or the truth, but we are going....Wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

21: Blog Challenge

I found this blog challenge on a fellow Bumpie's blog. So starting tomorrow, and hopefully every day after that I will try and complete each one. Wish me luck!

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture

20: I want to sell something on Etsy.

Since I busted out my mom's sewing machine and sewed a very bad cloth diaper, hey, it was my first try, I have been interested in making and selling something on Etsy. But I am not sure what. I know it will take me awhile to get the hang of making cloth diapers so that is out. Then I was thinking about making burp cloths out of Gerber prefolds, I have seen those on there. Then I started to think about my ugly boring plan white wipe case and thought that would be cool. I have seen some on there and I think if I make it a package deal, which is still in the process, I think it would work. So I think I will do it.
And if I get good at sewing cloth diapers maybe I will sell those too...

I am also considering opening my own baby boutique. Somewhere that sells cloth diapers. Cause it is crazy driving three plus hours just to go to one. And on top of that the store only sells three kinds.

I cannot wait to get paid so I can put this dream to a reality.

Holy cow its 1 in the morning?! I did not even realize that. Here I am spending my valuable sleeping time looking at stuff on Etsy. CURSE YOU ETSY!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

19: I am at a lost

He gave me my rings back today, told me how much he loved me and how he wanted us to be back together. I told him I would move back but to know that I would not be happy. I mean I want to do it for my son, I do want to do it cause I want to be with my husband again. But I am not sure if I still even love him, which scares me. Should I just give in and settle? Or do I just feel like this because I am so tired, and so very sad from the past month. I mean it has already been a month since we moved out and I am no more happy here then I was there. I wish something or someone can just tell me what to do.

He even kissed me today, I did not feel anything. But I was so scared and upset I am not sure if I even could. Maybe I just need to relax and us three spend time together and see how I feel. Because when we did go on our date a few weeks back I felt great. That was till he started to beg me for some again...

Maybe I really am just over reacting. I think its time to pull out the big girl panties again and figure out what I truly want. Am I meant to be a single mom for the time being or is Joel truly the one for me?

But if he is then why did he ask for the rings back and tell me its over? It is probably because I have grown so distant from him.... I think we need a "just us" time. And by just us I mean Joel-Ryan, Joel and me. Starting tomorrow I need to figure out what I want and stick with it.

Wish me luck.

Friday, January 21, 2011

18: I like to ite, ite, ite i-ples and bi-ni-nis!

Someone was such a big boy today. I took him to his four month appointment and little man got two shots. I felt so bad cause I had forgot to bring his Tylenol with us and I was afraid that he would be in so much pain. Nope! He took it like a man. Two shots, one in each leg. He cried for a second then as soon as I picked him up he was all over it and became mister smiles.

When he was born he weighted 8 pounds, 8 ounces and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. Today, at four months, one week and five days he weights 17 pounds, 6 ounces and is now 25 inches long. My little man is already two feet long! I cannot believe it.

Also, he took another big boy step today. Dr. Al-haid gave me the a-okay to start feeding him solids. Now, ever since noon I cannot get that darn "I like to eat Apples and Bananas" song out of my head. Seeing how little man's first food just happened to be home-made banana puree.

Yesterday mom and I finally put his high chair together and just in time.

At first he had no clue what was going on. He sat there looking at me while I smiled back at him. My little man was gonna eat some bananas!

So we did not start off good. His first bite he made this cute little face. He even wrinkled his nose. But he did not push it out, he swallowed it. He sat there looking at me like "what the heck was that mom?"

Then he discovered he could play with the food. Which thrilled him for awhile. Then it was back to eating. The next couple of bites went over better then the first.

Near the end he became all smiles. I loved it! I even saved my two favorite pictures from the whole experience till the very end.

The end result! He hardly even go messy. But just look at those gorgeous brown eyes!

I cannot wait to feed him again.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

17: Shake, Rattle and Roll

Someone is trying to roll over!

Yesterday we spent a good deal of the day playing on the floor and tummy time. And I am sure that by the end of the month I am going to have a roller. He gets about three fourths of the way over then its either that darn leg or that darn arm that gets in the way.

Not sure which one is going to come first cause he is attempting both. For the longest time he hated tummy time. I do not know if it is because of his surgery from three months ago that still hurts or what but the second you put him on his tummy he would turn a bright red and scream bloody murder! Then I saw these tummy time mats on the Target website and thought this would work. But I did not want to spend the money so I got a round pillow, except I would not call it round its more like "I use to be round but now I am flat" kind of pillow, and put him on that. Seems to have done the trick cause now he loves tummy time.

Once I started noticing he was scooting down off the pillow I took it away and now I cannot get this kid to stop enjoying tummy time. The little guy even figured out that if he gets tired he can put his head down and rest for awhile instead of screaming.

Even on his back he is attempting it. He just needs to figure out to put his leg over instead of under and he will make it right over. I honestly cannot wait. It has been awhile since we hit a milestone, shoot, it has been over a month since he started laughing! So this is much needed for my "mama is so proud that he..." conversations.

WAIT!! I am proud of something! For the past three nights this little booger has slept for 8 plus hours. Last night he slept ten hours straight, yes, I said that right, TEN HOURS! Except I slept only five of those ten. I was too busy on the internet looking at stuff for his birthday.

I am so proud of that little monster.

My what big eyes you have!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

16: I finally did it!

Two am yesterday morning I finally broke down and cried. I have cried before but this time I did not hold back. The only thing that broke my heart was I cried while feeding Joel-Ryan. Just knowing that that was the time Joel got out of work and that he still had not called me broke the straw on the camels back (that is how the saying goes right?). There I was holding OUR son. My little best friend, my whole world for crying out loud! And his dad cannot even call to see how he is. I cried because I started to think about when he gets older. If his dad cannot call him now what guarantees do I have that he will call when he grows up. What guarantees do I have that he will even make time to visit with him?

He came by yesterday. Around five in the afternoon. Then he left five minutes later, probably not even that. He held Joel-Ryan for less then five minutes. It broke my heart that hanging out with his cousin to go to Bakersfield to drink and watch the football game was far more important then his only son....

He has changed. He never use to drink. And now that is all he seems to do. He says its to forget about the pain. When he said that a whole lot of worries came to mind. What if Joel-Ryan accidentally breaks a window while playing ball outside, is he gonna drink? Then what is going to happen after he drinks? Will he get even more mad? Yell at Joel-Ryan, maybe even hit him? I am starting to fear for my son. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so did Joel. We know what it is like. I always assumed he would not end up like that. But it looks like I was one hundred percent wrong.

I know they say life is a roller coaster, and I have to agree it is. Right now I just happened to have come across a very far drop. I only hope the rise gets here soon, cause these sleepless tear filled nights are starting to get to me. I pig out, just like I did in High School when I became the butt of every joke. I am angry all the time and snap at who ever crosses my path. I want to be happy again. I want the tears to go away. I want the hurt to stop....

I do have to say though, I would never be able to get through the day if it was not for my son. Every time he coos, smiles, laughs, whines, cries, and screams (yes even when he screams), I feel wanted. I feel love. I feel more loved then any man could every have for me. This four month old little human being has showed me the meaning of true love. It did not take a card, flowers, chocolate, or diamonds. It took two beautiful brown eyes that lights up every time I walk into the room, the world's smallest nose that always has a bat in its caves, the most wonderful gummy bear smile that is constantly drooling, the tiniest fingers that reach out for me every chance they get, the little belly button that slightly sticks out because his cord was wrapped around his leg tightly and caused a small hernia, the faint half moon scar on the top of his belly button from his surgery for his pyloric stenosis, those chunk-a-dunk legs that kick wildly every time he is free from his diaper, the surprisingly big feet that are so ticklish he throws a hissy fit every time I bite on them, then the toes, OH the toes, the toes that curl up every time you touch them, every time he stands up, and every time you try to put socks on him.  It took him! All of him, from head to toe. Everything about him makes me smile!

You know every time when I start to feel blue I look at him. Right now I have this story that always brings a smile to my face. It was the first time he "saw" his penis. I had gotten his bath ready and I had him standing on the counter with nothing but a diaper on and I had it undone so I could take it off once he grew tired of looking at himself in the mirror. Well all of a sudden the diaper feel off and once his little pecker was visible in the mirror he laughed, and boy did he laugh! Just writing about it right now brings a smile to my face, makes the laughter in my heart grow stronger and the tears fade away.

I love this little boy. I will never stop. And when he grows up and thinks its embarrassing to tell me he loves me, every night while he is a sleep I will sneak in his room and whisper "I love you" too him. Cause like I said before he is my world, and there is nothing changing that!

15: What do you want in life?

For a while now I keep getting asked this question. So this whole week I took my time and came up with one hundred things I want in life. Okay I will be honest, once I started writing I could not quit. I know a hundred things sounds like a lot but once I hit the hundred mark I wanted to keep going. But I made a deal with myself, only a hundred. Also, keep in mind that these are really personal and sharing these does make me feel more confident with myself.

Also, if you would like to participate in "One Hundred Things I want in Life" feel free to leave a link in my comments and I will check it out. (again, that is if I have readers)

So without further ado, my list (in no particular order, they are numbered for how they popped up in my head):

  1. I want to be happy, I mean really, really happy.
  2. I want to smile and truly mean it.
  3. I want to have a house to call a home, with a white picket fence and everything.
  4. I want my son to grow up knowing his dad.
  5. I want to live out in the country.
  6. I want to bake something every weekend till the day I die. And when people come over I want them to tell me how great my house smells. (that was a two for one)
  7. I want to feel sexy in the nude.
  8. I want to fall head over heels in love every day with my husband....
  9. I want to wear a sexy black dress in public and not worry about a fat bulge.
  10. I want to learn how to sew, so I can make all my son's clothes.
  11. I want to open my own bakery.
  12. I want to go back to school to become a mechanic.
  13. I want to have a big fancy wedding, so that one day in my life everyone notices me.
  14. I want a star named after me.
  15. I want to dance in the rain.
  16. I want to grow gray and wrinkled with my husband....
  17. I want two wicker rocking chairs on the back porch of my house so me and my loved one can watch the sun set.
  18. I want to stay up with you to watch the sun rise.
  19. I want to kiss under the stars.
  20. I want to dance in the nude in an open field of flowers.
  21. I want to lose weight.
  22. I want to feel pretty and confident about my asymmetric breasts.
  23. I want to be told every morning I am beautiful. Because that is the time when I have no make-up, my hair is not done, I have morning breath, and my hair is ratted up.
  24. I want to go camping and really rough it. Any tips on how to pee safely in the woods?
  25. I want to teach my son that pads and tampons are not poisonious.
  26. I want to spend one day in my life, a complete twenty-four hours, doing nothing but eating junk food and watching TV.
  27. I want my fifteen minutes of fame.
  28. I want to go to Egypt.
  29. I want to watch my little boy grow up to be a gentle man.
  30. I want a little girl next.
  31. I want to go on a much needed mother daughter trip.
  32. I want to go to Disneyland everyday for a full week.
  33. I want to lay in bed all day watching Disney movies with my son.
  34. I want to, one day, over here my son's friends telling him, "Man, your mom is cool!"
  35. I want to wear dresses every day for a year.
  36. I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
  37. I want to do at least two crafts a month.
  38. I want to take my son to his first concert.
  39. I want to go to a nude beach and sunbathe.
  40. I want to be on a little kid's show, like "Imagination Movers."
  41. I want to be on "Don't Forget the Lyrics."
  42. I want to learn how to play a full song on the piano, not just the beginning.
  43. I want to ride the bus and sing "The Wheels on the Bus" till everyone else starts to sing.
  44. I want to go to Vegas.
  45. I want a new car.
  46. I want to move to the coast once my littles move out.
  47. I want to admit I secretly do not want my littles to move out.
  48. I want someone to shout from the roof tops that they are madly in love with me.
  49. I want to beat my husband's gamerscore on the Xbox....
  50. I want to have an adult size jumperoo like my son's.
  51. I want to wake up one day to breakfast in bed.
  52. I want to have a date night at least once a month.
  53. I want to learn how to speak French, then I want to go to France. (another two for one)
  54. I want my son to one day make lunch for me, like in that Jiffy commercial.
  55. I want to learn how to paint.
  56. I want to be the human model for a paint class.
  57. I want to cook homemade meals every day.
  58. I want to learn how to be a coupon clipper.
  59. I want a kitten.
  60. I want to go jogging at the beach.
  61. I want to stand at the shore line and dig my feet into the sand and feel the waves pull me.
  62. I want to be an Egyptologist.
  63. I want my whole right leg to be tattooed.
  64. I want to go to Viva Las Vegas in April.
  65. I want to own a '49 Chevy Coupe or a '51 Mercury Coupe.
  66. I want to "Boo" and "Elf" my neighbors every year.
  67. I want to be a part of a movement.
  68. I want to set a world record.
  69. I want to start a change.
  70. I want to go to the park once a week with my son.
  71. I want to go to a red carpet event.
  72. I want to never forget this moment.
  73. I want to always remember the day we met...
  74. I want to relive our first kiss.
  75. I want to rebuild a car, from beginning to end.
  76. I want my son to learn how to cook from me.
  77. I want m son and future kids to come to me when they need to talk and not be afraid.
  78. I want to live a good life.
  79. I want to get matching tattoos with my mom and grandma.
  80. I want to enjoy Sundays the way they are suppose to be, by resting.
  81. I want to work at my dream job. (see #62)
  82. I want to be a '50s house wife but still have my freedom.
  83. I want to be known by an alter ego to everyone else but my family.
  84. I want beautiful curls not frizz.
  85. I want to learn how to be funny.
  86. I want to learn how to fix a clogged sink, shower, and toilet.
  87. I want to be able to understand what my son's coos mean.
  88. I want to take naps like when I was a little.
  89. I want to run in a marathon.
  90. I want to understand why people make fun of me.
  91. I want to take my son camping.
  92. I want my son to enjoy playing outside like I did as a kid.
  93. I want to invent something to better the world.
  94. I want to live one day of my life like it was a musical.
  95. I want to be treated like a human being, not an object....
  96. I want to talk without using contractions.
  97. I want my hair to grow past the mid of my back.
  98. I want to wake up every morning and make coffee and breakfast.
  99. I want to love you forever....
  100. I want you to never forget me.....

And there you have it! A hundred things I want most in life. And that is just the tip of the ice burg. I want to do this at least once every 3 months. Lets see if I remember.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

14: Ring...Ring...

Why do I always get my hopes up? Seriously, this entire time that Joel and I have been together he has only called/texted me a handful of times. Okay I will be nice, two handfuls. Last night during our phone "date" I asked him if he would call me tomorrow. The response I got was "we will see." When he says stuff like this I wonder if he even cares about me, cares about his son! I pretty much have to beg him to come over and see him and when he does come I feel like I have to coax him into holding his son.

Yesterday I even told him that this weekend I will move back. But after waiting all day next to the phone, longing for it to ring, I am starting to have second thoughts. I love the guy, but how come he cannot show any effort? On our date Saturday he was extremely talkative. I have never seen that side of him. To be honest, it actually surprised me. He was literally starting conversations! For once in our ENTIRE relationship I did not have to start one.

So what happened today? What changed? Was it because I told him I will move in this weekend? Was it because I asked him to come over for his lunch? Or was it because I asked him if we would call me tomorrow?

All I have to say is if he does not get a hold of me before Saturday I am not moving back. Not till he can call me on his own. So please someone leave me advice, anything really, on how I can keep busy, and stay far away from the phone as possible.

That is if I do have any readers....

Sunday, January 9, 2011

13: 4 Months old

I can not believe that my little man is four months old already. Time really does go by fast. Then again, I feel like this little guy has been in my life a whole lot longer. That's why this post will be all about him.

As a four month old you are starting to reach and grab at toys. Grandma bought you a teether and you really enjoy it. You try so hard to put it in your mouth, and there are a few times were you actually make it. Also, this past month you've even fell asleep on your own, twice. I felt like you were so grown up, I couldn't help but dance around so proud.

The last BIG milestone you've hit this month is that you are starting to teethe. My little boy is gonna have teeth soon! I can't believe it. That's why since this whole teething process has started I try to make you smile so much. Once that first tooth comes in I know I'm going to miss that wonderful gummy bear smile. Just thinking about the fact I may only have a few months left of it my eyes get so watery.

I think I should probably stop writing cause when I think about you growing up I can't help buy cry.

I love you my little Peanut!

Friday, January 7, 2011

12: UP, out, date.

I can't believe I'm on a roll with making a new post but I'm really into posting right now. That and so much has been going on in my life. Within a few hours today I went from being married to still being married yet single all at the same time. You are probably asking yourself if you read that correctly, and yes, yes you did.

Joel and I talked all day on the phone and decided that right now we are going to take things slow for right now and just start from the beginning. So our wedding bands will be handed back to be held onto and as of right now we are going back to the dating phase. Hopefully this really works out.

To be honest I'm excited about this.  Cause truthfully we did jump into this who marriage, family thing a little fast. So that's why we decided to start slow and work our way back up.

Saturday we have our first date. Mom is gonna watch Joel-Ryan while Joel and I go either bowling or to play pool. Not fully sure yet, but I can't wait. Last time I did either one was before I got pregnant. Which is really why I'm excited. I get to go out, whoo-hoo!!!

And before I end this post I just wanted to share some wonderful pictures of Joel-Ryan from New Year's Eve.

He started the evening off bouncing in his jumperoo that Grandma and Grandpa got him. Then Grandpa decided he needed to sporting a hat like him so he put his longhorns hat on him. Then Grandpa thought he needed to look cool and had to put the hat on backwards.


Then after a quick diaper and clothing change he bounced away happily watching "UP". He was really enjoying the movie "UP" I mean really enjoyed it. He didn't even want to look at me when I talked to him. So I went to go make a cake and next thing we know...

he's out! Leaving me to figure out the 'should I let him nap in the jumperoo' adventure.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

11: OH Mother Teether!!

I think I'm beginning the wonderful adventure of teething. Since New Year's Day little Joel shoves everything in his mouth. But the number one thing he loves putting in his mouth is my knuckle and when he does he gnaws away at it. He's also becoming one big ol' drooly mess, which doesn't bother me one bit. Then again his poor little lips and chin are all chapped.

Then it really hit the wall today, he's been so cranky! All he wants to do is lay in my arms and sleep. The second I put him down his eyes pop wide open and he screams. He screams so loud I think the people a few streets over can hear him. If I can't get him back to sleep I put my knuckle to his mouth and he calms down quickly.

I'm not sure if we are starting teething, but if we are I'm glad its happening cause this is one of the two things I can't wait to get over. Next one is potty training. Thankfully I've got about 2 years till then.

So if this is the adventure of teething wish me luck. Cause the way he has been acting I think I'm gonna have my hands full.

I know this sounds crazy but I've already been thinking about Joel's first birthday. What's gonna be the theme, how am I gonna decorate the cake, what is he gonna wear? And yes, I really do plan to decorate the cake. I spend hours online looking at birthday themes. Going back and forth from a Mickey party, space party, airplane party, etc. party. I've looked at it all. Right now I'm really liking the idea of a Space themed party, but that's mainly because the room he was in at the Madera hospital was space themed and I loved it!

One thing is certain though, I already know one gift I'm getting him. A book of his first year, that way when he gets older we can look at them and I can forever cherish the memories we share. I also plan to make these every year till either he tells me, "Mom, this is so embarrassing!" or when he turns 18.

So far here is the first two pages:

I can't wait to finish them up but first I need to purchase a photo editing program.

So here's to the teething, first birthday pondering adventure!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

10: DIY Nursery Picture Frames

So I finally decided to post one of my DIY projects I did while pregnant. Well, it was the only DIY project I did, and you know what its really simple. All you need are the following products:
  • A design you would like to use. You can either go with copying it straight from the nursery theme you are going for or you can free hand a design of your own.
For mine I decided to copy the design from a blanket cause I wanted them to match nicely with the Fisher Price Ocean Wonders theme. That, and I'm horrible at drawling fish. 

  • Next item you are going to need is picture frames. 
I purchased these at Dollar Tree so I only spent 3 bucks!

And the best thing about these frames is they match perfectly with the frames I have up in the room already. Seeing how I'm sharing a room with Little J these work great! You can also go as BIG or as small as you would like. I went with 4x6 cause I will be attaching them together.

Last thing you will need is:
  • Paint
  • Paint Brush
  • Window Marker (if you are going to copy the design from something)
Not pictured:
  • Blue poka-dot ribbon, you could pick any ribbon you like as long as its wide.

Since I copied from the blanket I'm going to put those instructions but if you plan to free hand it you can skip this part.

First thing you are going to do is take the glass out of the frame and place it onto what ever you are going to copy the picture from. Take your window marker and trace the outline onto the glass when you are done your glass should look like this:
After you have your outline you can start painting as you can see in this picture I already colored in the fin green. If you wish to not have the outline just flip the glass over and paint on the other side.

After I was done painting this is how it came out. To get rid of that visible line just flip the glass back over and wipe off with water.

When I was done with everything this is how they all came out:

For added fun I free handed seaweed and bubbles to the back of the glass. If you look closely the octopus has no black dots on it's eyes like the fish and starfish. I simply used a permanent marker to drawl in the smile and pupils. 

I super glued the glass to the frame , super glued ribbon to the top and bottom of two of the frames and on one I glued ribbon to hang it up. As soon as I find a picture of it hanging on the wall completely finished I will show what I mean by the ribbon.

Hope you guys like this DIY.

Monday, January 3, 2011

9: A New Year, a new life...

I know I promised I would follow up Flash Back of 2010 Part 1 but part of me only finds the first half of the year the most enjoyable. Because with the second half, other then taking Joel to Disneyland for the first time, the only day I truly enjoyed, was the day my son was born.

Honestly September 9th has to be the best day out of my whole entire life!

That moment I feel head over heels in love with my husband again. He had given me the greatest gift I will ever know, the joy of being a mother. But as my love for my son grows, the love for my husband slowly fades. As of today I haven't been living with my husband for 3 weeks. Since the 20th I've begun to question my relationship with him altogether. Does he really love me or am I just someone he has sex with? Then I begin to think, when you have sex with someone isn't it for love? Is it? Someone please tell me it is cause I'm starting to question that.

If it is then why do I cry every time we partake in it? Does that mean he loves me? I hadn't seen Joel in almost a week. When I first saw him all I wanted to do was go out to eat and talk about what we had been up to that week. I wanted that whole first date experience to happen. What was his first reaction when he saw me? One hand up the shirt, the other down the back side of my pants.

You may start to wonder why am I even mentioning all of this if this blog is suppose to be about my adventures with baby. Well that's the thing, its part of an adventure. I've noticed when I stay awake at night crying, bawling, wishing my life would end that very moment. My son lays awake at night with me into the early morning hours, he just lays there and watches me as tears pour out my eyes. He lays there and waits for me to calm down and collect myself. He waits there silently, waits to catch my eye, and the moment he does...

he smiles that big ol' gummy bear grin I've grown to love. He melts my heart, he makes all the hurt, all the pain just go away. That one simple smile. Eyes squeezed shut, mouth wide open, hands held together close to his mouth. Its the best medicine! I start to forget that just moments ago I was crying my eyes out. And within seconds its gone again. He lays there looking at me like he knows its all better, that I'm no longer hurting.

So what is left to do? Cuddle up next to him, holding my son close and falling asleep. I've suffered from depression for so long, and who knew that being a mom for only 4 short months could change all that.

I love my son and I'm starting to believe he loves me.

But for my husband, that's a whole other story.