16: I finally did it!

Two am yesterday morning I finally broke down and cried. I have cried before but this time I did not hold back. The only thing that broke my heart was I cried while feeding Joel-Ryan. Just knowing that that was the time Joel got out of work and that he still had not called me broke the straw on the camels back (that is how the saying goes right?). There I was holding OUR son. My little best friend, my whole world for crying out loud! And his dad cannot even call to see how he is. I cried because I started to think about when he gets older. If his dad cannot call him now what guarantees do I have that he will call when he grows up. What guarantees do I have that he will even make time to visit with him?

He came by yesterday. Around five in the afternoon. Then he left five minutes later, probably not even that. He held Joel-Ryan for less then five minutes. It broke my heart that hanging out with his cousin to go to Bakersfield to drink and watch the football game was far more important then his only son....

He has changed. He never use to drink. And now that is all he seems to do. He says its to forget about the pain. When he said that a whole lot of worries came to mind. What if Joel-Ryan accidentally breaks a window while playing ball outside, is he gonna drink? Then what is going to happen after he drinks? Will he get even more mad? Yell at Joel-Ryan, maybe even hit him? I am starting to fear for my son. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so did Joel. We know what it is like. I always assumed he would not end up like that. But it looks like I was one hundred percent wrong.

I know they say life is a roller coaster, and I have to agree it is. Right now I just happened to have come across a very far drop. I only hope the rise gets here soon, cause these sleepless tear filled nights are starting to get to me. I pig out, just like I did in High School when I became the butt of every joke. I am angry all the time and snap at who ever crosses my path. I want to be happy again. I want the tears to go away. I want the hurt to stop....


I do have to say though, I would never be able to get through the day if it was not for my son. Every time he coos, smiles, laughs, whines, cries, and screams (yes even when he screams), I feel wanted. I feel love. I feel more loved then any man could every have for me. This four month old little human being has showed me the meaning of true love. It did not take a card, flowers, chocolate, or diamonds. It took two beautiful brown eyes that lights up every time I walk into the room, the world's smallest nose that always has a bat in its caves, the most wonderful gummy bear smile that is constantly drooling, the tiniest fingers that reach out for me every chance they get, the little belly button that slightly sticks out because his cord was wrapped around his leg tightly and caused a small hernia, the faint half moon scar on the top of his belly button from his surgery for his pyloric stenosis, those chunk-a-dunk legs that kick wildly every time he is free from his diaper, the surprisingly big feet that are so ticklish he throws a hissy fit every time I bite on them, then the toes, OH the toes, the toes that curl up every time you touch them, every time he stands up, and every time you try to put socks on him.  It took him! All of him, from head to toe. Everything about him makes me smile!

You know every time when I start to feel blue I look at him. Right now I have this story that always brings a smile to my face. It was the first time he "saw" his penis. I had gotten his bath ready and I had him standing on the counter with nothing but a diaper on and I had it undone so I could take it off once he grew tired of looking at himself in the mirror. Well all of a sudden the diaper feel off and once his little pecker was visible in the mirror he laughed, and boy did he laugh! Just writing about it right now brings a smile to my face, makes the laughter in my heart grow stronger and the tears fade away.

I love this little boy. I will never stop. And when he grows up and thinks its embarrassing to tell me he loves me, every night while he is a sleep I will sneak in his room and whisper "I love you" too him. Cause like I said before he is my world, and there is nothing changing that!