Friday, April 29, 2011

The ups....the downs....

It honestly drives me crazy that one second I am so happy, enjoying life. Then in the blink of an eye I feel like my entire world is crumbling around me. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but since the sixth grade I have been secretly dealing with depression. When Ryan was born it came out into the open because it started to get worse. I started having thoughts of packing my bags and leaving him in the house alone. I would also always imagine dropping him.
Well, I started going to therapy then the damn lady kept canceling my appointments with her and moving them to another date. She did it four times till I finally gave up on it. Slowly the postpartum depression started going away.

Till recently....

I am not to sure why but Ryan has really been getting out of hand. He screams for nothing. I hold him, screams, I try feeding him, screams. I try rocking him to sleep, screams. I try walking with him, screams. Pacifier, screams. Tylenol, screams. Even just typing this I can feel it building.
I do have one thing to say though. I am truly thankful that I no longer live at Joel's house and am back with my parents. Because now that I am having those feelings of getting up and leaving Ryan again I am so grateful that my mom is there to take him from me and gives me a chance to calm down.

Last Saturday the entire day I was perfectly fine, then all of a sudden at night Ryan started fighting his sleep. He would not stop screaming. Within minutes I gave up. I put him in his crib and sat on my bed and cried myself. I just wish I knew why this keeps coming back. Why won't it just go away? I am being serious. I truly love my son but this depression is really getting to me. I feel as if when I get older Ryan and I will not have that bond like my brother and me have with my mom. It also terrifies me to know that I will have to one day tell him that there was so many times when I wanted to just abandon him.

I am not to sure if this post really has a point. I think it is mainly to get some of these feelings out. It's hard when I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone just tells me "Oh you just need to get over it," or my favorite "Well its your fault." I am really not sure if its my fault or not but I do know that when certain things happen or certain people talk to me in a certain way that is when it hits me.

I have made another appointment to talk to a different therapist. Though I am terrified...what if she does the same thing to me as the last one did? Again I say...I wish this would just go away.

::publish post::

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

32: Happy 7 months (the final post)

I honestly cannot believe it took 3 posts to show how much you have done in one month. Amazing, simply amazing.

I will keep this short...

 You had your first ice cream cone when mommy wasn't looking.

But got mad the second Daddy took it away.

 You became the third generation to sit in this rocking chair, but the first to do it in a bunny suit. 

 You got to meet the doggies at Daddy's house.


You went straight to jail, you did not pass go, you did not collect $200.

 Your the reason the candy dish is no longer out. But it's okay mommy's hips thank you.

 Daddy tried to teach you how to crawl....


 ...but felt that rolling around on the floor was more fun.

Happy 7 months my Boogs. During this time you have become my everything. You truly are my world. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

31: Happy 7 months (part 2)

When I left off I had just finished talking about taking Boogs on his first trip to an arcade. I am amazed he wasn't as amazed by all the colors and lights. But hey, the little guy was pretty tired. And to top it off it was raining, and in my book rain always means a day of relaxation.

So lets continue on all you have accomplished.

Joel and I were talking today and we honestly can't believe how fast Boogs has been growing. On the 21st he actually started to walk, with support of course. We were getting ready to leave Claudia's house and I was in the kitchen washing bottles, Joel and Boogs was in the dinning room playing and next thing I know I look back and there is Ryan taking these humongous steps towards me. By the 24th he has been able to walk down the hall, about 70 Ryan steps then poop out. Its a start... Before I know it I will be chasing him all over this house.

Around the 30th when Ryan is on his belly he pushes himself up and holds himself up on his arms for a few seconds till he lays back down. Not sure if crawling will come anytime soon but hey you are trying and I am proud.

The 31st we started him on a starter sippy cup. Ryan really has no clue what the handles are all about but he sure knows how to grab that bottle.
Also on the 31st we gave Ryan a bath and added bubbles! He has had bubble baths before but this time he really enjoyed himself. He played, he splashed, he made a mess. I loved every second of it, and so did he.

Ryan had a doctors appointment on the 7th were he got his 6 month shots. At that appointment he weighted 19 pounds, 7 ounces and was 27 1/4 inches long.

My have you grown my little peanut.

The doctor also gave him a lolly pop, his second one the first was on Halloween but he actually got to enjoy this one. I let him take a few licks till he decided to take a bite then the lolly pop went bye-bye.

Ryan also has two new teeth. His top ones. They both started to show up at the same time and lets just say those days were hell. I am being honest. Up all night rocking and soothing a tired baby. I know the pain got to him. Every second of the day he was crying but thankfully the first open broke through on the 8th, it was the left one. The right one didn't break through till the 10th, but they are out and now my little man is happy once again. Till the next ones come....

Which brings us to the 9th. Sadly my camera is dead and I really don't want to get up to get some new batteries but I will tomorrow and share all the joy and someone getting caught being bad.

Until next time....

Monday, April 11, 2011

30: Happy 7 months (and a day or two) part 1

Is it just me or has time really been flying by? I feel like just yesterday I was holding your tiny body tightly in my arms as we laid there in that hospital bed. To hold you, to kiss you, to tell you "I love you" for the very first time. But in reality that took place 7 months ago. That's 214 days! And yes I counted every single one of them.

To be honest I feel like I missed so much. But I was there for every moment. I remember going days without sleep because I was so scared he was going to spit up in the middle of the night and I would not hear him. Then to find out he needed surgery. That small precious little body needed actual surgery. At the time I felt numb. It was October 13th, you were only a little over a month old and at the time they took you from my arms and carried you off to be put under so they could operate I felt nothing. I watched as they carried you down the hall away from me. I stood there and kept watching even after the doors had stopped swinging, after you were completely out of my site. I stood there, empty. Not a single emotion, single feeling. 6 months later I hate myself for that. I didn't even tell you how much I loved you. But after they brought you back and told me I could hold you, I could feed you. I felt so relieved. Just to know that for the first time in two weeks you were going to be able to eat, to be able to eat and hold it down. I knew that for the first time in two weeks I could hold you in my arms and know that when you cried it wasn't because you were starving. I knew for the first time in two weeks we could sleep next to each other and I would not be so scared to fall asleep. I knew for the first time in two weeks....

...that I was doing something right.

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about all you have accomplished on your journey from six months to seven. And baby you have done a mighty lot!

From March 11th to the14th you started sitting for longer periods all by yourself. Also on the 14th you started to reach for us. You would sit in your jumperoo and hold your arms out to the side and look at me. After I while I realized you were trying to tell me you wanted out. I apologize that I didn't get it till you cried but I know now.

Then on the 15th you mastered the art of sitting.

And then there comes a time in every little boys life that they learn what a ball is. And when they learn what it is, they learn how much fun they are. So on the 17th you started to pick them up when we put them in front of you.

*notice how the balls match his outfits. I honestly don't do that on purpose, somehow I always manage to grab one that matches.

From the 19th to the 21st we went to visit your Aunt Claudia who lives in Grover Beach. While we were there we took you to your first arcade (March 20th) where you had a caricature done of you. I have to say I was amazed that you sat quietly through the whole thing.

While we were there we went to a restaurant where we learned that you LOVE fish tanks. You sat there and watched as the fish swam around. You even attempted to reach and grab at them. Never once did you hit the glass. I can honestly say I was so proud of you. I was a little nervous that you would start pounding on the glass and me and you would get in trouble. But now I really want to get you your own tank for your room.

And I will end the post here because there is so much more you have accomplished

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” - Walt Disney

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

29: Could he be sick?

Since 3pm yesterday Ryan has pretty much stopped eating. I honestly have no clue what is going on but I am really worried. We called the pediatrician's and they don't seem to worried about it. But how can they not be worried? My little boy hasn't been eating.
Every time I try to offer him a bottle he won't take it. In fact yesterday I tried feeding him so solid foods and before the spoon could reach his mouth he threw up. Then I tried a bottle, same thing. Later on I mashed up a banana and he seemed okay with that but still didn't eat to much.
This morning the same thing. Offered him some bananas and he ate a couple spoon fulls and just sat there and cried.

I really hope its is top teeth coming in and nothing more serious....