Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Bookcase

Lately I've been wanting to give my son's bookshelf some life. I really love it but its a little on the plain side. I've thought about painting, considered adding stickers, even thought about spending money and buying wooden letters or a wall decals. But I don't like either of those ideas.

SO laying in bed I decided I'm going to sew some letters to hang above it. Not sure how yet but I will.

I honestly can't wait to start another project.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Mr. Bubble

An old friend has returned to our home. He first befriended my mom years ago, then he became good friends with my brother and I. And now Ryan has learnes the joy of Mr. Bubble. Bath time isn't as fun without him.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Monday, Monday

So good to me.

I love when Ryan is in such a good mood. Makes me happy and forget about all the pain his dad puts me through.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Weekend Two

This is the second weekend that Ryan is staying at his dad's and it still kills me. But I found out today that Ryan is giving hell when it comes to sleeping. Good job Boog.

He asked me today how I do it. I wish I didn't tell him but I let the baby crack slip. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Put it on and Ryan will watch till he passes out. I never should have said a word. But it isn't fair to let Ryan suffer in the sleep department.

What I love the most though is his bitch of a mom told him that Ryan is acting like that because he wants his mom. Yay bitch mil I have marked one 'I hate you because...' of my list.

But the list is very long so I didn't make much difference.

I seriously miss my son and its momentary like this where I miss waking up to his butt in my face or being woken by a kick or a slap.

Five o'clock please hurry, I want my baby back.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

A "Happy" Thanksgiving

Why is it that I am the one who feel out of love, asked for divorce but I'm the one who is hurting the most. Here he tells me over and over again that he still loves me but he is "dating" me and another girl. Sometimes I wonder if he was even dating this other girl when we were still together.

Why does it hurt so freakin' much? I have come to the conclusion that I either still love him or I'm just upset that he has moved on so much quicker then I can. Like I said before I'm the one who left and feel out of love but I am no where ready to date. Heck I don't even want to get married again. Unless its Zak Bagans or Shia Labeouf, and I highly doubt that would happen, I give up on men.
But the one thing I don't get the most is why must he be an asshole and call her every time he comes to get Ryan? I know for the most part its to get to me...and I hate to say it but sadly it does.

He has ruined love for me. He has ruin a lot of things for me.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Recipe: Baked Bananas


1 peeled banana cut lengthwise
1 sprinkle of cinnamon
1/4 cup of fruit
1 tbsp honey


Cut banana lengthwise and sprinkle with cinnamon.
Broil banana on a lightly greased cookie sheet for about five minutes or until brown.
Blend fruit and honey together till smooth.
Pour "syrup" over the top of the warm banana.

To make this for breakfast, when the banana comes out of the oven, sprinkle with some granola and then pour the syrup on top it.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A boy and his fort

For awhile now I have been wanting to build Ryan his own fort so last Friday I did just that. And the kid was in love! It had everything he loves to do. Crawl through a tunnel and play hide and seek with a blanket. He was going crazy. So the entire day he spent inside his tent and every time I tried to go inside I would get pushed out. I wasn't aware that it was "no girls allowed." This past week Ryan has also learned something new. He will grab his chatter phone, sit in the corner and talk away to imaginary friends and precious family members. I love watching him act so grown up. Not only is he growing up but I have officially been replaced. A few months ago grandma brought home this stuffed monkey. You know the kind with the velcro on its paws so you can hang it up. Well, last week Ryan has started to sleep with it and carry it every where with him. When he goes off on his own to play he brings his monkey to sit with him. I've been trying so hard to get a picture but have come up empty. He is growing too fast. This Friday he will be one. But that isn't the only thing happening. We also have court that day, at the exact time he was born. I hate that I can't cuddle him at 9:34am and tell him that I love him from the moon and back....

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I'll never win

Mind: So what you doing?

Me: Trying to sleep.

Mind: Want me to sing you a lullabye?

Me: No. Just be quiet.

Mind: Okay.


Mind: Can I talk now?

Me: No.

Mind: But I have a question.

Me: What is it?

Mind: Which do you think is healthier: exercising and eating junk or eating healthy and not exercising?

Me: I don't know. Just be quiet.

Mind: Will do.


Mind: Are you asleep?

Mind: Hello?

Mind: Are you there?

Me: What?

Mind: Are you mad?

Me: No I just want to sleep.

Mind: Okay.


Mind: Can we talk?


Why won't my mind get the hint? I want to sleep.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Dear Mind

Ryan has been asleep for two hours now and her I still lay wide awake. I can't even stop my mind from wandering and it keeps wandering to the same thing. On Sunday my ex sister-in-law passed away. I can't even put into words how I felt when I received the news but the one thing I can not stand is how Ryan's dad is using this against me.

Monday when he came for his visit it started out with him blaming me. If I never would have left him he would still have his dog, who also passed away, and his sister. It's all my fault. Then after an hour of just sitting there with him playing quietly with Ryan he turned it into a way of trying to get me back. I couldn't believe. I felt sorry for the guy and then he does this? How sick can you get?

So now I sit here and the conversation keeps replaying over and over again in my head. "I've realized life is short I don't want to die without you by my side." Part of me wants to slap some sense into him. But then part of me just feels sorry for the guy. If he would have just kept his mouth shut I probably wouldn't have pushed him farther back.

I know its just gonna end up being another long night of laying in my dark room staring at a blurry clock trying to make out if it says 12 or 2. So please mind, can you give a girl a break. Just this once?

Friday, August 12, 2011

My big boy

Someone is now sleeping in a big boy bed. He had a mini crib and has had trouble sleeping for awhile now. So far we are two and half hours into the new bed and not a peep or movement. I think I will start to sleep through the night once again. It's been awhile.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Step One: Put Your Big Girl Panties On

Ryan and I have spent the last week camping with my family. He went on hikes, I cried. He laughed and played, I cried. He built a sand castle, I cried. He sat around a campfire, I cried. He really enjoyed himself, I cried.

I would hide in the tent, the bathroom, the shower, and cry. That is how I spent his first camping trip with a box of tissues and puffy red eyes. The reason being? Friday before we left I got a rather large envelope in the mail addressed from a lawyers office. My heart had sank. He was fighting me. He was filing for full custody, he wants to take Ryan away.

While on the trip I called a lawyer that an ex co-worker of mine told me was really good and gets the job done. So I went to pay him a visit. As I told him everything that has been going on I started to hear my voice quicken. I started to fear that even with this "damn good lawyer", as my co-worker puts it, I was going to lose him. And if I loose him, what do I have to live for? I started out the morning feeling confident and as the words slipped from my mouth all I wanted to do was run home, bury my head under the covers and cry.

I've cried a lot lately. More then when I left. More then anything he has put Ryan and me through. Just the thought of Ryan having to even spend a single night in that house makes my stomach turn.

Even now I am fighting back tears. I want this all to end. I secretly wish he would just go away. Why couldn't it be as easy as throwing out sour milk? The marriage went bad so you toss it out. He doesn't care for his son, he's relationship went Ryan went sour, throw it out. Is that just being selfish of me? I mean, Ryan doesn't even get excited when he sees him, he doesn't even talk to his dad they way he jabbers on and on to all of us. He sits there looks at him then gets excited once I walk into the room. Part of me, a huge part, hopes that when Ryan is old enough he makes the choice to not have his father around. I know, I know....selfish.

To bad genies aren't real.

So I have decided to take step one. I need to store the tissues away for another day and dig in the back of my dresser drawer to find my big girl panties. They have flowers. I will put them on, and I will deal. No more crying for now. Right now I have a fight, and fight I will.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Playhouse Dreaming

When one becomes a mother certain things happen to her that she never even realized. It comes so natural to us on how to take care of a baby, along with a few calls to mom, grandma, friend's with babies, and/or the neighbor down the street with the three year old. But there are other things that happen that one day smack you in the head and you freeze in that moment and realize exactly what your doing.

Like when every nursery rhyme you've ever learned comes back to you. Or how you stand in the cereal aisle singing and dancing the "Hot Dog" dance because you know it makes your little one smile.

Well, that time has finally come.

Before I was a mom I never thought about "Humpty Dumpty" or "Little Boy Blue" but now those names are constantly slipping out of my mouth more so then the latest gossip. But the one that has really gotten me is how Disney Junior has now invaded my dreams.

My dreams use to be filled with sexy, half naked men showing me with lavishing gifts. Instead I've been dreaming about Handy Manny coming over to my house to fix the Mousekadoer I borrowed from Mickey because I accidentally broke it. I mean Handy Manny is cute right? What am I thinking? I probably shouldn't even say that or Kelly might kick my ass in tonight's dream.

Happy dreaming...If you happen to see Kelly in your dream don't tell her where I'm at.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

It has finally hit me

For the past two days I have buried my head in party planning. On Tuesday I heard a song on the radio that really got to me. It made me think of my relationship with Ryan's dad. The how idea of the song was no matter how many times the guy screwed up the girl would always take him back and love him forever. That use to be me. Every time he told me "I will change" the dummy that I was believed him. And now that it's going on two months since I left him I am starting to feel the loneliness of divorce.

I long for someone to hold my hand, to hold my hand and to tell me how pretty I am. So I called him. Asked him how we were and if there was ever a chance of getting back together. You know in the "near" future.

But now I have realized I have screwed up. I never should have said anything cause now every time I talk to him that is all that he talks about. Today I was on the phone with him for an hour and the only words I got in was "I don't know" and "Ryan is asleep" the rest of the conversation was him rambling on and on about how much he has changed. But has he really? He even told me that maybe I just need to date someone else that way I can get it out of my system...seeing how I was on the verge of cheating on him anyway. His words, not mine.

I really would love to see someone, just a friend nothing romantic. But I think as long as I stay away from the country stations on the radio I won't be thinking about Ryan's dad like that again.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

9 months, 1 month

Shall I start with the good or the better?

I say good.

On the 9th two wonderful events were celebrated. Not only did my little Boog turn 9 months but it has been 1 month since I entered back into the world of happiness. And I have to say I am diggin' being happy. If you couldn't have guessed this is the good part. The better part is my Boog turning 9 months. Can you believe this 20 lb 10 ounce bundle of joy is now 9 months.

He has been eating thicker solids and has even mastered finger foods like toast and bananas. But there has been a down side since turning three quarters of a year. Since Thursday Ryan has been suffering from tummy issues. It even ended up with blood coming from somewhere blood shouldn't be. I took him to the doctor's on Friday and the doctor didn't even seem to care. Looked at him for a second and sent us on our merry way. Even when I tried to talk to him he said that it was perfectly normal and to slap some vaseline on his butt. Um, excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? Blood isn't a big deal? Looks like he is loosing a patient. So now we are on day four and just starting to see some change. I will still be taking him to a new doctor, hopefully tomorrow.

So bye bye purple room and hello proper health care.

Lately Ryan has also taken a fancy to standing solo. He will let go of our hands or the couch and stand for about 30 seconds then get so excited he makes himself fall over. So far this has to be the cutest thing he has done, other then his spider monkey crawl.

He's also been showing a lot of interest in certain things. Right now he is really big into the refrigerator.

He will high tail it into the kitchen as soon as he hears it open. He just loves to explore inside. But his one true love has to be the outdoors. I have countless pictures of him staring out the patio door. I really hope this stays with him when he grows up.

Tomorrow I am going to take him to the park and let him roam free. I'm sure we will both enjoy that.

Monday, June 6, 2011

High on Life

When you were a child did you every lay out in the grass and look up at the clouds? I've always found the sky to be so enchanting. Every day was something new, no two are alike. Call me crazy but I think late at night while everyone is sleeping Mother Nature is hard at work painting out the next day. Making sure every cloud bunny is extra fluffy, getting the golden hues of the sun to the right shade, filling in gray rain clouds with tiny droplets. Each day more beautiful then the next. I even find rainy, cloudy days to be beautiful.

But I've started to wonder if Mother Nature painted these past two days for me?

Saturday was filled with grays, whites, and blacks. Occasionally Mother Nature would let a little sliver of blue shine through. Just a reminder that through all those clouds blue skies are shining bright. Saturday also happened to be two years since Ryan's dad and I have...well should have been... together. The whole day I felt down in the dumps. Fighting tears that wanted to fall, just like the clouds in the sky fought so it wouldn't rain.

But thanks to my best friend, heck my sister, and her boyfriend who had a house warming party my spirits slowly lifted. I guess it also helps that there were many people there, some I didn't even know, that loved on my Ryan. And by the looks of it he was loving all that attention. I just wish I had my camera cause he made his first friend. I do want to point out though that this future 9 month old is not shy when it comes to making friends. This kid has balls! Ryan wasn't the only one who made a new friend. I just so happened to make one too.

And the next morning after all the laughter, shouting of joy, beers, margaritas, Cranium, puppies, babies, deer burgers, cow burgers, nachos, "I forgot the cheese", and babies reaching out to be held and loved...

That sky that very same sky that only hours ago was threatening to rain on an amazing house warming parade was the bluest of blue. The sun light up the sky like fire works on the Fourth of July. It was as if Mother Nature knew herself that today, this day out of three hundred sixty five of them, that this would be the day that I realized that I am happy and I no longer have to fear or worry about a certain someone.

Can I repeat that one more time? Mother Nature are you listening?

I am happy....

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

On Saturday Ryan said his first word. I was completely shocked. Near the end of April he started with "ra" then it progressed to "da" but he never once said it to his dad. He would look at a ball and say "dadada", he would see his bottle and say "dadada". Never once did he associate the word with his father. But boy when he starting out using that M he would either be reaching for me or looking at me. It actually starting last Wednesday. We were at Target and he starting humming an M then stopped. I started to think I was hearing things.

Well when Saturday came around my mom, Ryan and I were in the spare bedroom cleaning. My mom got up to leave and I started to get up as well. Once I was standing Ryan noticed I was no longer sitting by him and started to crawl towards me. As he was crawling he turned around and as clear as day said, "Mama." I looked at my mom and asked her, "Did you hear that?" Sure enough he said it. His first word was "mama" and let me just say I am damn proud.

Since then all he does is look at me and yells "Mama!" And I'll be honest I smile every time.


Then Sunday came around. I am starting to realize that when something good happens in my life one man has to come along and ruin it.

Around 8 o'clock my sister-in-law left our house, a minute or so after she left she called to let us know that Joel was sitting outside our house. Like every Sunday Grandma was over and she really didn't want to leave with him out there so she waited. 8:30 we looked outside, yeah he was still there. 9 we looked again, now he was pacing in the drive way. 9:30 looked again, he was leaning against his car. All we know is he was there for an hour and a half. Who really knows how long he has been out there.

Later on that night I told Mom that he was really starting to freak me out. First he goes into our backyard to check through the patio door if Ryan and me are inside. Now he is sitting outside our home basically stalking us.

He asked Grandma to dinner.

Then on Monday he called and left a message asking if I wanted to join him. I had two words for him, "Yeah" and "Right". After his dinner with Grandma he decided to come by here to drop of a DVD that he could have left with Grandma to give to me, BUT no. He has to come over here to pester me some more.

I'm sure he hauled ass  home cause in no time at all he starts calling. Everyone let it go to voice mail. For crying out loud, it was past nine everyone was in bed and I was busy with Ryan. After getting the voice mail for the third time he decided to leave us, and by us I mean ALL of us; Mom, Pops, me, and probably even my brother, a message. The message basically stated that we were rude and he can't believe we are acting so childish by not wanting to answer his phone call, but have a nice day.

Only minutes ago Pops told him we were all going to bed. Does he not get this?

My parents are finally starting to see what I meant all this time by how he doesn't know how to listen.

I'll just be glad when this is all over.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Why is he doing this?

Where do I begin?

Last Saturday Joel told me that he was going to spend Mother's Day with his mom since he figured that I would want to spend it with mine. So I told him that that was okay. I mean if that's what he wanted I was 100% cool with it, anything to make him happy. Well when Mother's Day rolled around everyone called us, family, friends, even neighbors, but no Joel. I started asking my mom and grandma if I should call him. But they both told me no that he should be calling me since I am the mother of his child.

All day long I never heard from him. And when he finally did call, around 9 at night, it was basically to chew me out because I never called him. Within that ten minute conversation he had ruined my entire Mother's Day. He kept on and on about how I don't make him feel special any more, how I don't show him I love him, how I don't bother to call him. He just kept piling it on, and the more he talked the more and more he made me feel like shit.

I cried, all night.

Then on Monday he came over and started all over again about how I never called him on Sunday and about how I don't make him feel special. He also mentioned he just wanted to give up on me that he is fed up with coming home from work to find an empty bed. You know since I moved out he has not cleaned the room up one bit. It is still the exact same since I left on December 20th. The Christmas tree is still up, along with the stockings and lights. The bathroom still has a pad laying on the back of the toilet. The last empty formula can is still sitting on the floor, I mean EVERYTHING. To be honest it's kind of creepy, like he is keeping it as some kind of shrine or something.

Anyway back to what had happened...

After I had enough and was about to burst into tears I grabbed Ryan and went into my parent's room and locked the door behind us. Joel came to the door and kept knocking, begging to be let in. I told him to leave but he didn't listen. Ryan and I sat in the dark while he knocked, "cried" and begged for me to let him in. Then it got quite and Ryan got hungry. So I decided to open the door and take a look. He wasn't there so I made a run for it only to find that Joel was actually hiding in my brother's room just waiting for me to open the door. So I ran as quick as I could to grab his bottle, formula, and water. As I made the dash back to my parent's room Joel grabbed the door and held it open. He kept begging me to talk, but I told him I didn't want too. That I just wanted him to leave me alone, that he already made me feel like shit and all I wanted was for him to leave. But did he?

He pried himself into the room. I grabbed Ryan and tried to hide in the bathroom but again he held the door. He kept telling me that all he wanted to do was hold Ryan for a second and then he would leave. He also made the comment that we were done and that he would always be there for Ryan. Secretly I just wish he would be out of both our lives for good.

So I let him hold him hoping he wouldn't take Ryan as a hostage until I sat down and talked to him. But he kept his word. He hugged him then left. I sat on the floor of my parent's bathroom and held Ryan tight and just cried.

Then yesterday he came by again wanting to talk. I still don't want to see him or even speak to him. He kept knocking and ringing the door bell. My brother was here and I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. I listened at the door. Joel kept telling me to let him in, to not be so messed up, that he wanted to talk, that he loved me, he needed me.

Finally there was silence....

I grabbed Ryan and went into my room. Then the door bell started up again. Then more knocking. Then silence. Next thing I hear is the blinds in the living room moving. I'm sitting in my room playing with Ryan and I start to hear my brother talking. Thinking that maybe he is on the phone I get up and start walking down the hall but he is whispering to someone.

After awhile he comes to my room and tells me he is gone. I asked him if he went to the patio door. Sure enough Joel went into our backyard to look through the patio door to see if we were inside.

All I have to say is he is starting to freak me out. And after all the posts about how I am unsure what I want to do about us I have finally made up my mind. We have gotten into so many fights and I was usually the one crawling back, but not this time. The only crawling I will be doing is if my car breaks down on the way to a lawyer's office and my fat ass gets to tired from walking. So let me make this clear: I AM DONE!

I told my mom today that I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being an object. I am tired of being raped.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

8 Months

 At 8 months you participated in breaking a world record, you got to feed seals and walk down the pier. You mastered your walker and right now you are starting to pick up crawling. But walking is still your number one. In fact just the other day you got a couple goose eggs on your forehead trying to brave going for the couch to the table. But you were a little short and took a stumble. Thank goodness your a big boy cause you only cried for a short time.

You also celebrated your first Easter and I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. We really didn't do anything exciting both days but bar-b-que with my family.

Right now that is all that has gone on from month 7 to month 8. I love you so much my little man.

There is one other thing that has happened on the day you turned 8 months.

I didn't think it would ever happen but it finally has.

Your dad and I are no longer together. I have yet to cry but I will make another post on that. This is your post.

I love you my Boog I always will.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Things that make me happy

In the latest issue of Parenting magazine they had an article about being happy. They also have a book out I would love to look into called the Happy Mom. After reading that article I decided to make a post about things that currently make me happy. Especially since I have been feeling pretty crappy lately.

Grandpas who take naps outside with babies

Great-grandmas who make the best of friends

Naked babies playing

Babies who are scared of seals


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I wish I may, I wish I might....

I have a secret wish. I secretly wish to be a single mom. Since Ryan was still in my belly, and I didn't know he was a he, I wanted to be a single mom. And you know what eats me up the most inside? Every time I drive past the very spot I got down on my knees and begged Joel not to leave me I come a little closer to realizing what a HUGE mistake I made. I mean come on woman! I was sitting in a field with passing cars to the left of me and almond trees to my right, seven months pregnant and begging him. I begged, I cried. And here I am, night and day just hoping that he would just get up and go. Sometimes I secretly wonder if he does if my depression would slowly go away?

Its like every time he is near Ryan I get scared. He doesn't watch him when he is on the couch. Joel puts him close to the edge then walks away to grab something. Does he not realize that his kid is a rolling expert?! I was telling my mom yesterday that I feel like the only way Joel is going to learn is if Ryan gets hurt. But then I don't want to see Ryan my Ryan get hurt, cause then I would hate myself for letting it happen.

I feel like either I am going to have to tattoo "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER" on my forehead or I am going to have to run. I don't know, what do you think?

Now that Thursday is just a hop, skip and a jump away I am kind of looking forward to going to talk to a therapist. Maybe they can help me figure out what is best. And not what is best for me, or best for Ryan, but best for Ryan and me as a whole.

For now I have to get through another day with Joel, cross my fingers that this fourth of the month doesn't end up like every other fourth of the month.

And if you don't know what I mean by that I will tell you. June 4th, 2009 Joel asked me out. Every fourth of the month since then we have semi-celebrated. I know it's corny but it is just something we do. But, since all this fighting has been happening it seems like that every time the fourth draws near we fight then the rest of the month we are perfectly calm. I hate to see what our first wedding anniversary would be like. To be honest I can't believe we made it this far.

Am I doing the right thing?

Now that the 5th is getting closer I am starting to get more scared of going. I fear that they will take Ryan away from me. Everyone ensures me that they won't but that little voice in the back of my head that constantly tells me that 'You are a bad mother', or 'You are going to drop him' keeps telling me they are. So am I doing the right thing by going?

I really am tired of crying. One thing I am proud of is, I have not cried myself to sleep since February. So without medicine or a therapist I have made some improvement. But I still question myself, am I doing the right thing?

I really, truly, am scared....

Friday, April 29, 2011

The ups....the downs....

It honestly drives me crazy that one second I am so happy, enjoying life. Then in the blink of an eye I feel like my entire world is crumbling around me. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but since the sixth grade I have been secretly dealing with depression. When Ryan was born it came out into the open because it started to get worse. I started having thoughts of packing my bags and leaving him in the house alone. I would also always imagine dropping him.
Well, I started going to therapy then the damn lady kept canceling my appointments with her and moving them to another date. She did it four times till I finally gave up on it. Slowly the postpartum depression started going away.

Till recently....

I am not to sure why but Ryan has really been getting out of hand. He screams for nothing. I hold him, screams, I try feeding him, screams. I try rocking him to sleep, screams. I try walking with him, screams. Pacifier, screams. Tylenol, screams. Even just typing this I can feel it building.
I do have one thing to say though. I am truly thankful that I no longer live at Joel's house and am back with my parents. Because now that I am having those feelings of getting up and leaving Ryan again I am so grateful that my mom is there to take him from me and gives me a chance to calm down.

Last Saturday the entire day I was perfectly fine, then all of a sudden at night Ryan started fighting his sleep. He would not stop screaming. Within minutes I gave up. I put him in his crib and sat on my bed and cried myself. I just wish I knew why this keeps coming back. Why won't it just go away? I am being serious. I truly love my son but this depression is really getting to me. I feel as if when I get older Ryan and I will not have that bond like my brother and me have with my mom. It also terrifies me to know that I will have to one day tell him that there was so many times when I wanted to just abandon him.

I am not to sure if this post really has a point. I think it is mainly to get some of these feelings out. It's hard when I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone just tells me "Oh you just need to get over it," or my favorite "Well its your fault." I am really not sure if its my fault or not but I do know that when certain things happen or certain people talk to me in a certain way that is when it hits me.

I have made another appointment to talk to a different therapist. Though I am terrified...what if she does the same thing to me as the last one did? Again I say...I wish this would just go away.

::publish post::

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

32: Happy 7 months (the final post)

I honestly cannot believe it took 3 posts to show how much you have done in one month. Amazing, simply amazing.

I will keep this short...

 You had your first ice cream cone when mommy wasn't looking.

But got mad the second Daddy took it away.

 You became the third generation to sit in this rocking chair, but the first to do it in a bunny suit. 

 You got to meet the doggies at Daddy's house.


You went straight to jail, you did not pass go, you did not collect $200.

 Your the reason the candy dish is no longer out. But it's okay mommy's hips thank you.

 Daddy tried to teach you how to crawl....


 ...but felt that rolling around on the floor was more fun.

Happy 7 months my Boogs. During this time you have become my everything. You truly are my world. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

31: Happy 7 months (part 2)

When I left off I had just finished talking about taking Boogs on his first trip to an arcade. I am amazed he wasn't as amazed by all the colors and lights. But hey, the little guy was pretty tired. And to top it off it was raining, and in my book rain always means a day of relaxation.

So lets continue on all you have accomplished.

Joel and I were talking today and we honestly can't believe how fast Boogs has been growing. On the 21st he actually started to walk, with support of course. We were getting ready to leave Claudia's house and I was in the kitchen washing bottles, Joel and Boogs was in the dinning room playing and next thing I know I look back and there is Ryan taking these humongous steps towards me. By the 24th he has been able to walk down the hall, about 70 Ryan steps then poop out. Its a start... Before I know it I will be chasing him all over this house.

Around the 30th when Ryan is on his belly he pushes himself up and holds himself up on his arms for a few seconds till he lays back down. Not sure if crawling will come anytime soon but hey you are trying and I am proud.

The 31st we started him on a starter sippy cup. Ryan really has no clue what the handles are all about but he sure knows how to grab that bottle.
Also on the 31st we gave Ryan a bath and added bubbles! He has had bubble baths before but this time he really enjoyed himself. He played, he splashed, he made a mess. I loved every second of it, and so did he.

Ryan had a doctors appointment on the 7th were he got his 6 month shots. At that appointment he weighted 19 pounds, 7 ounces and was 27 1/4 inches long.

My have you grown my little peanut.

The doctor also gave him a lolly pop, his second one the first was on Halloween but he actually got to enjoy this one. I let him take a few licks till he decided to take a bite then the lolly pop went bye-bye.

Ryan also has two new teeth. His top ones. They both started to show up at the same time and lets just say those days were hell. I am being honest. Up all night rocking and soothing a tired baby. I know the pain got to him. Every second of the day he was crying but thankfully the first open broke through on the 8th, it was the left one. The right one didn't break through till the 10th, but they are out and now my little man is happy once again. Till the next ones come....

Which brings us to the 9th. Sadly my camera is dead and I really don't want to get up to get some new batteries but I will tomorrow and share all the joy and someone getting caught being bad.

Until next time....

Monday, April 11, 2011

30: Happy 7 months (and a day or two) part 1

Is it just me or has time really been flying by? I feel like just yesterday I was holding your tiny body tightly in my arms as we laid there in that hospital bed. To hold you, to kiss you, to tell you "I love you" for the very first time. But in reality that took place 7 months ago. That's 214 days! And yes I counted every single one of them.

To be honest I feel like I missed so much. But I was there for every moment. I remember going days without sleep because I was so scared he was going to spit up in the middle of the night and I would not hear him. Then to find out he needed surgery. That small precious little body needed actual surgery. At the time I felt numb. It was October 13th, you were only a little over a month old and at the time they took you from my arms and carried you off to be put under so they could operate I felt nothing. I watched as they carried you down the hall away from me. I stood there and kept watching even after the doors had stopped swinging, after you were completely out of my site. I stood there, empty. Not a single emotion, single feeling. 6 months later I hate myself for that. I didn't even tell you how much I loved you. But after they brought you back and told me I could hold you, I could feed you. I felt so relieved. Just to know that for the first time in two weeks you were going to be able to eat, to be able to eat and hold it down. I knew that for the first time in two weeks I could hold you in my arms and know that when you cried it wasn't because you were starving. I knew for the first time in two weeks we could sleep next to each other and I would not be so scared to fall asleep. I knew for the first time in two weeks....

...that I was doing something right.

But that is not what this post is about. This post is about all you have accomplished on your journey from six months to seven. And baby you have done a mighty lot!

From March 11th to the14th you started sitting for longer periods all by yourself. Also on the 14th you started to reach for us. You would sit in your jumperoo and hold your arms out to the side and look at me. After I while I realized you were trying to tell me you wanted out. I apologize that I didn't get it till you cried but I know now.

Then on the 15th you mastered the art of sitting.

And then there comes a time in every little boys life that they learn what a ball is. And when they learn what it is, they learn how much fun they are. So on the 17th you started to pick them up when we put them in front of you.

*notice how the balls match his outfits. I honestly don't do that on purpose, somehow I always manage to grab one that matches.

From the 19th to the 21st we went to visit your Aunt Claudia who lives in Grover Beach. While we were there we took you to your first arcade (March 20th) where you had a caricature done of you. I have to say I was amazed that you sat quietly through the whole thing.

While we were there we went to a restaurant where we learned that you LOVE fish tanks. You sat there and watched as the fish swam around. You even attempted to reach and grab at them. Never once did you hit the glass. I can honestly say I was so proud of you. I was a little nervous that you would start pounding on the glass and me and you would get in trouble. But now I really want to get you your own tank for your room.

And I will end the post here because there is so much more you have accomplished

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” - Walt Disney

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

29: Could he be sick?

Since 3pm yesterday Ryan has pretty much stopped eating. I honestly have no clue what is going on but I am really worried. We called the pediatrician's and they don't seem to worried about it. But how can they not be worried? My little boy hasn't been eating.
Every time I try to offer him a bottle he won't take it. In fact yesterday I tried feeding him so solid foods and before the spoon could reach his mouth he threw up. Then I tried a bottle, same thing. Later on I mashed up a banana and he seemed okay with that but still didn't eat to much.
This morning the same thing. Offered him some bananas and he ate a couple spoon fulls and just sat there and cried.

I really hope its is top teeth coming in and nothing more serious....

Monday, March 28, 2011

28: We have a sitter!

And I am not talking about someone to watch Ryan.

About mid February Ryan has started to hold his own bottle. I still have to help him out with the angle but he has it down.

When he first started to grab it he would do this crazy Gollum style "my precious" grab and look, it is honestly priceless. But that is not what this post is about. This post is about my little man hitting a big milestone. He can now sit on his own without me holding on.

It's taken about a month but he has finally got it down. Back straight, head held high. Now all we need to figure out is how to reach and grab without falling over. I am sure he will get that in no time.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

27: I am torn.

To be honest I have never been happy about the choice for my son's name. I did not want to be named after his father but I did not have any other boy's names in mind. Now that Joel and I have been struggling I am scared I am going to be stuck calling him, Joel-Ryan, Joel. I do not want that. Lately we have been calling him Ryan but I really want to change his name. I was thinking Ryan Anthony. Is it so wrong to change his name? Even though my son doesn't have a choice right now?

I just hate calling him Joel, I hate knowing that he is a junior. Why, oh why, did I not sit there while we were in the hospital and think of a better name.

I screwed up...yet again. And to top it off I screwed up something for my son...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

26: Those famous doors

There is nothing I hate more then carrying my son through those ER doors. I have seen them way too many times in just his first month of life. The very first time I took that walk from the car to those doors I gripped the handle on his carrier tightly, held my breath and walked in. I never thought I would have to visit this place with Ryan, but there we were. It was the weirdest feeling. Everyone looks up at you. You can hear the lady in the back of the room saying, "Oh the poor baby I wonder what is wrong."

I know it sounds crazy now but the first visit to the ER was over bowel movements. Ryan had about 10 of them in about 2 hours. I am pretty sure the doctors and nurses laughed at me after I had left. Every time someone would walk in they would make the same remark, "You're a first time mom huh?" But I knew deep inside that there was something wrong, something they couldn't see, hear, or touch.

The next time we made the walk through those doors was about two weeks later. The frequent bowel movements had stopped, I mean stopped all together. No more dirty diapers for me. They were replaced by constant vomiting. From the local ER we were rushed to a Children's Hospital to learn that Ryan had pyloric stenosis. The muscle that connects his stomach to his intestines had closed off. He had become dehydrated and needed surgery. Lets just say I saw a lot of doors in this place.

Now four months later, you think I would be use to those glass doors. Lets be honest, they still scare the shit out of me.

So there I stood, Ryan laying in his carrier; coughing, wheezing, unable to breath, outside those doors. I tighten my grip on the carrier, repositioned the diaper bag on my shoulder, took a deep breath and walked in. It was warm, or was it just me? I walk over and sign in. Ryan and me take a seat and wait to be called in. I wipe away the boogers running down his nose and lightly kiss his forehead.

I took him to the doctors on Monday and all I was told was he had a little wheeze and here's a prescription he will be fine. If he will be fine then why am I in the ER waiting room holding a wheezing baby, who's chest I can feel is rattling like crazy?


We walk to the back. "We need to take x-rays of his chest." Okay, x-rays I can deal with, but isn't this just a normal cold? After being strapped into a clear tube and having his chest x-rayed we learn that Ryan doesn't have a normal cold. He has bronchitis. So we get sent home with four prescriptions.

I know its not the end of the world, but you should see my poor little man. His eyes are red from crying and little sleep. He is hungry but vomits everything he eats. He hasn't slept very well in days. He can't breath and hates when I clean his nose out. Which doesn't do any good cause after sucking all the yuckies out he ends up crying and his nose just ends up stuffed up again.

Right now I am hoping for a very quick recovery. He really needs some sleep.

Monday, February 21, 2011

25: The Castle

 On Tuesday we took off to the coast. Joel, Joel-Ryan, and I. To be honest I was a little scared but I have decided to give Joel one last chance, and he is really trying. Those emotions that I felt when we were fell in love are all coming back. I feel giddy when he holds my hand, I blush when he says 'I love you'. I think this trip is just what we needed.

Joel-Ryan got to stay at his first hotel room. Sadly it wasn't anything fancy just a simple Motel 6. We were only stay one night and heck there is nothing wrong with a Motel 6. Especially if your in the right location haha. I've been to some funky Motel 6s in my times.

As soon as we got there Joel and Joel-Ryan took over the bed for a game of peek-a-boo. Excuse the nakedness, but once he saw sheets he just wanted to play.

He is really big into sheets right now. We actually spend 30 minutes during the day laying in bed just because Joel-Ryan wants to play with sheets. He gets so excited he starts to kick like mad till all the sheets are off of him. Then he eagerly waits for you to put them back on, and the second you do they are right back off.  So if you are ever over to visit and want to hear our little guy laugh you know the first thing to reach for.

We woke up the next morning and headed off to San Simeon. It was such a windy day, as you can tell by my wonderful hairstyle. When we arrived we had to wait about an hour till our tour started. So we walked all around. We ended up out side looking at the trees, birds, and squirrels which Joel-Ryan really didn't enjoy. He was so pissed off at the wind.

Neptune's pool. How freakin' awesome would it be if this was your pool? I can imagine sitting in the living room with guests on a warm summer day. "Hey lets go for a swim next to some ancient ruins." What a way to live.

Remember that living room I talked about? Well, this is it! It was called something else, I think the viewing room or visiting room. I don't remember. But either way it was great. This is probably about a fourth of it.

Then no more then ten minutes after this picture was taken...

He passed out.

He made it half way through the tour and slept the rest. This trip was so much fun. I cannot wait for another.

Monday, February 14, 2011

24: Ugh!!!

I have no clue what happened but for the longest time I could not log in. I started to think, "Don't tell me I am going to have to start this whole blog all over AGAIN!" That would mean blog 3 about the exact same stuff.

Seeing how I have been gone for awhile so much has happen. Joel-Ryan has hit 3 milestones. That's right, THREE.

He has finally rolled over, and boy did he roll. Thursday, February 3rd, we got back to front, then Friday, February 4th, we got front to back. I mean he did it like he's been doing it for months. I missed the back to front. I was in the kitchen making him and I breakfast. When I got up he was laying on the floor playing, next thing I know all I hear is "Uhhh!" and I look back and the little booger is on his stomach. I was so proud I started jumping up and down, smiling and shouting "Good job!" and "You did it!" at him.

Then on Friday everyone caught it. Mom, Stacy, Andrew and me were all in the living room with him and I put him on his tummy. All of a sudden, whoop! He rolled. If you would have blinked you would have missed it.

Now the last milestone. On Wednesday, February 9th, not only did he turn 5 months but he finally got his first tooth! Right now its just a small little white line poking ever so slightly out from his gums but it is there. And boy do I feel it when he takes a bite out of my finger. Which at the moment I really do not mind. I think I am so proud I push the "ouch" to the back of my mind. I just wish Joel-Ryan could do the same. Poor little guy has been up every night in pain. It breaks my heart cause I feel like I cannot do anything to ease the pain. I know there is orajel, tylenol and amber necklaces but I feel like I have a new born all over again. I am unsure if that cry is a "Mommy I'm in pain" or a "Mommy I'm tired/hungry/cold/hot/etc.".  But all in all I am enjoying this new adventure.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

23: Regrets and Raspberries.

This weekend was awful. I honestly regret going. I have never acted more fake in my entire life. Thank goodness it is over. From the beginning all I heard was, "Oh my gosh you use cloth, those are the worse things to put on your baby" to "Oh yeah, so and so has been together for 40 years! I know relationships take work." Says the lady who go a divorce. ::rolls eyes::

I just wish I could put this whole weekend in the back of my mind and never have to think about it again. But then Joel comes around and has been begging for the past two days that he wishes I would move back and that he loves me and wishes I could forgive him. I mean I forgave him how long ago? To be honest every time he begs me I want to take another step away from him. It has gotten to the point where I cannot stand him being around. On Monday he brought up divorce again, I told him that I want full custody. He still cannot see why I do not want him alone with the baby. UGH!!!

On a brighter side someone has learned how to do raspberries, but he only does them during diaper changes. The first time he tried, on Saturday, I honestly thought something was wrong. All he kept doing was "ah..ah...ah" then later on all of a sudden he let out a loud raspberry! I almost died from laughing. Here I was crying and worrying that something was wrong with him, and all he was trying to do was blow a raspberry. Silly boy.

Man, my little guy is growing so quickly. You know that in just 8 short days he will be 5 months. I know! 5 months already. It may be going by quickly but I am loving every minute of it.

Also, I have not forgotten about the blog challenge, just leaving this weekend I was so busy packing and freaking out I did not have a chance to do it. But first thing tomorrow I plan to start.

I promise, if not you guys can kick me virtually.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

22: Wish me luck.

Tomorrow we are going to his sister's house so they can meet the baby. At first I did not want to go. All week long I was hoping he would forget and I could just spend my weekend here and home, just me and Joel-Ryan. But he did not, darn it!

When he came over today he told me that his sister and niece no longer want me to go over, that they think it will be too awkward. And to be honest it will be, which is why I never wanted to go in the first place. He also told me how he told them everything. Well almost everything. He left out the number one reason why I moved out. Yeah, I was uncomfortable, lonely and miserable, but the main reason I left was because of how he started to make me feel. I even told him today, he broke down and started to cry. He had no clue, even though I have told him three or four times already. Shows how much he listens.

Well, later on he called me and asked me if I still wanted to go. That if it gets awkward we can leave, he said that he does not want to go with out me and Joel-Ryan. I am unsure if this is just a story or the truth, but we are going....Wish me luck!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

21: Blog Challenge

I found this blog challenge on a fellow Bumpie's blog. So starting tomorrow, and hopefully every day after that I will try and complete each one. Wish me luck!

Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3-Your first love
Day 4-Your parents
Day 5-Your siblings
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7-Favorite movies
Day 8-A place you've traveled to
Day 9-A picture of your friends
Day 10-Something you're afraid of
Day 11-Favorite TV shows
Day 12-What you believe
Day 13-Goals
Day 14-A picture you love
Day 15-Bible verse
Day 16-Dream house
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to
Day 18-Something you regret
Day 19-Something you miss
Day 20-Nicknames
Day 21-Picture of yourself
Day 22-Favorite city
Day 23-Favorite vacation
Day 24-Something you've learned
Day 25-Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26-Picture of your family
Day 27-Pets
Day 28-Something that stresses you out
Day 29-3 Wishes
Day 30-a picture

20: I want to sell something on Etsy.

Since I busted out my mom's sewing machine and sewed a very bad cloth diaper, hey, it was my first try, I have been interested in making and selling something on Etsy. But I am not sure what. I know it will take me awhile to get the hang of making cloth diapers so that is out. Then I was thinking about making burp cloths out of Gerber prefolds, I have seen those on there. Then I started to think about my ugly boring plan white wipe case and thought that would be cool. I have seen some on there and I think if I make it a package deal, which is still in the process, I think it would work. So I think I will do it.
And if I get good at sewing cloth diapers maybe I will sell those too...

I am also considering opening my own baby boutique. Somewhere that sells cloth diapers. Cause it is crazy driving three plus hours just to go to one. And on top of that the store only sells three kinds.

I cannot wait to get paid so I can put this dream to a reality.

Holy cow its 1 in the morning?! I did not even realize that. Here I am spending my valuable sleeping time looking at stuff on Etsy. CURSE YOU ETSY!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

19: I am at a lost

He gave me my rings back today, told me how much he loved me and how he wanted us to be back together. I told him I would move back but to know that I would not be happy. I mean I want to do it for my son, I do want to do it cause I want to be with my husband again. But I am not sure if I still even love him, which scares me. Should I just give in and settle? Or do I just feel like this because I am so tired, and so very sad from the past month. I mean it has already been a month since we moved out and I am no more happy here then I was there. I wish something or someone can just tell me what to do.

He even kissed me today, I did not feel anything. But I was so scared and upset I am not sure if I even could. Maybe I just need to relax and us three spend time together and see how I feel. Because when we did go on our date a few weeks back I felt great. That was till he started to beg me for some again...

Maybe I really am just over reacting. I think its time to pull out the big girl panties again and figure out what I truly want. Am I meant to be a single mom for the time being or is Joel truly the one for me?

But if he is then why did he ask for the rings back and tell me its over? It is probably because I have grown so distant from him.... I think we need a "just us" time. And by just us I mean Joel-Ryan, Joel and me. Starting tomorrow I need to figure out what I want and stick with it.

Wish me luck.

Friday, January 21, 2011

18: I like to ite, ite, ite i-ples and bi-ni-nis!

Someone was such a big boy today. I took him to his four month appointment and little man got two shots. I felt so bad cause I had forgot to bring his Tylenol with us and I was afraid that he would be in so much pain. Nope! He took it like a man. Two shots, one in each leg. He cried for a second then as soon as I picked him up he was all over it and became mister smiles.

When he was born he weighted 8 pounds, 8 ounces and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. Today, at four months, one week and five days he weights 17 pounds, 6 ounces and is now 25 inches long. My little man is already two feet long! I cannot believe it.

Also, he took another big boy step today. Dr. Al-haid gave me the a-okay to start feeding him solids. Now, ever since noon I cannot get that darn "I like to eat Apples and Bananas" song out of my head. Seeing how little man's first food just happened to be home-made banana puree.

Yesterday mom and I finally put his high chair together and just in time.

At first he had no clue what was going on. He sat there looking at me while I smiled back at him. My little man was gonna eat some bananas!

So we did not start off good. His first bite he made this cute little face. He even wrinkled his nose. But he did not push it out, he swallowed it. He sat there looking at me like "what the heck was that mom?"

Then he discovered he could play with the food. Which thrilled him for awhile. Then it was back to eating. The next couple of bites went over better then the first.

Near the end he became all smiles. I loved it! I even saved my two favorite pictures from the whole experience till the very end.

The end result! He hardly even go messy. But just look at those gorgeous brown eyes!

I cannot wait to feed him again.