Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

On Saturday Ryan said his first word. I was completely shocked. Near the end of April he started with "ra" then it progressed to "da" but he never once said it to his dad. He would look at a ball and say "dadada", he would see his bottle and say "dadada". Never once did he associate the word with his father. But boy when he starting out using that M he would either be reaching for me or looking at me. It actually starting last Wednesday. We were at Target and he starting humming an M then stopped. I started to think I was hearing things.

Well when Saturday came around my mom, Ryan and I were in the spare bedroom cleaning. My mom got up to leave and I started to get up as well. Once I was standing Ryan noticed I was no longer sitting by him and started to crawl towards me. As he was crawling he turned around and as clear as day said, "Mama." I looked at my mom and asked her, "Did you hear that?" Sure enough he said it. His first word was "mama" and let me just say I am damn proud.

Since then all he does is look at me and yells "Mama!" And I'll be honest I smile every time.


Then Sunday came around. I am starting to realize that when something good happens in my life one man has to come along and ruin it.

Around 8 o'clock my sister-in-law left our house, a minute or so after she left she called to let us know that Joel was sitting outside our house. Like every Sunday Grandma was over and she really didn't want to leave with him out there so she waited. 8:30 we looked outside, yeah he was still there. 9 we looked again, now he was pacing in the drive way. 9:30 looked again, he was leaning against his car. All we know is he was there for an hour and a half. Who really knows how long he has been out there.

Later on that night I told Mom that he was really starting to freak me out. First he goes into our backyard to check through the patio door if Ryan and me are inside. Now he is sitting outside our home basically stalking us.

He asked Grandma to dinner.

Then on Monday he called and left a message asking if I wanted to join him. I had two words for him, "Yeah" and "Right". After his dinner with Grandma he decided to come by here to drop of a DVD that he could have left with Grandma to give to me, BUT no. He has to come over here to pester me some more.

I'm sure he hauled ass  home cause in no time at all he starts calling. Everyone let it go to voice mail. For crying out loud, it was past nine everyone was in bed and I was busy with Ryan. After getting the voice mail for the third time he decided to leave us, and by us I mean ALL of us; Mom, Pops, me, and probably even my brother, a message. The message basically stated that we were rude and he can't believe we are acting so childish by not wanting to answer his phone call, but have a nice day.

Only minutes ago Pops told him we were all going to bed. Does he not get this?

My parents are finally starting to see what I meant all this time by how he doesn't know how to listen.

I'll just be glad when this is all over.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Why is he doing this?

Where do I begin?

Last Saturday Joel told me that he was going to spend Mother's Day with his mom since he figured that I would want to spend it with mine. So I told him that that was okay. I mean if that's what he wanted I was 100% cool with it, anything to make him happy. Well when Mother's Day rolled around everyone called us, family, friends, even neighbors, but no Joel. I started asking my mom and grandma if I should call him. But they both told me no that he should be calling me since I am the mother of his child.

All day long I never heard from him. And when he finally did call, around 9 at night, it was basically to chew me out because I never called him. Within that ten minute conversation he had ruined my entire Mother's Day. He kept on and on about how I don't make him feel special any more, how I don't show him I love him, how I don't bother to call him. He just kept piling it on, and the more he talked the more and more he made me feel like shit.

I cried, all night.

Then on Monday he came over and started all over again about how I never called him on Sunday and about how I don't make him feel special. He also mentioned he just wanted to give up on me that he is fed up with coming home from work to find an empty bed. You know since I moved out he has not cleaned the room up one bit. It is still the exact same since I left on December 20th. The Christmas tree is still up, along with the stockings and lights. The bathroom still has a pad laying on the back of the toilet. The last empty formula can is still sitting on the floor, I mean EVERYTHING. To be honest it's kind of creepy, like he is keeping it as some kind of shrine or something.

Anyway back to what had happened...

After I had enough and was about to burst into tears I grabbed Ryan and went into my parent's room and locked the door behind us. Joel came to the door and kept knocking, begging to be let in. I told him to leave but he didn't listen. Ryan and I sat in the dark while he knocked, "cried" and begged for me to let him in. Then it got quite and Ryan got hungry. So I decided to open the door and take a look. He wasn't there so I made a run for it only to find that Joel was actually hiding in my brother's room just waiting for me to open the door. So I ran as quick as I could to grab his bottle, formula, and water. As I made the dash back to my parent's room Joel grabbed the door and held it open. He kept begging me to talk, but I told him I didn't want too. That I just wanted him to leave me alone, that he already made me feel like shit and all I wanted was for him to leave. But did he?

He pried himself into the room. I grabbed Ryan and tried to hide in the bathroom but again he held the door. He kept telling me that all he wanted to do was hold Ryan for a second and then he would leave. He also made the comment that we were done and that he would always be there for Ryan. Secretly I just wish he would be out of both our lives for good.

So I let him hold him hoping he wouldn't take Ryan as a hostage until I sat down and talked to him. But he kept his word. He hugged him then left. I sat on the floor of my parent's bathroom and held Ryan tight and just cried.

Then yesterday he came by again wanting to talk. I still don't want to see him or even speak to him. He kept knocking and ringing the door bell. My brother was here and I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. I listened at the door. Joel kept telling me to let him in, to not be so messed up, that he wanted to talk, that he loved me, he needed me.

Finally there was silence....

I grabbed Ryan and went into my room. Then the door bell started up again. Then more knocking. Then silence. Next thing I hear is the blinds in the living room moving. I'm sitting in my room playing with Ryan and I start to hear my brother talking. Thinking that maybe he is on the phone I get up and start walking down the hall but he is whispering to someone.

After awhile he comes to my room and tells me he is gone. I asked him if he went to the patio door. Sure enough Joel went into our backyard to look through the patio door to see if we were inside.

All I have to say is he is starting to freak me out. And after all the posts about how I am unsure what I want to do about us I have finally made up my mind. We have gotten into so many fights and I was usually the one crawling back, but not this time. The only crawling I will be doing is if my car breaks down on the way to a lawyer's office and my fat ass gets to tired from walking. So let me make this clear: I AM DONE!

I told my mom today that I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being an object. I am tired of being raped.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

8 Months

 At 8 months you participated in breaking a world record, you got to feed seals and walk down the pier. You mastered your walker and right now you are starting to pick up crawling. But walking is still your number one. In fact just the other day you got a couple goose eggs on your forehead trying to brave going for the couch to the table. But you were a little short and took a stumble. Thank goodness your a big boy cause you only cried for a short time.

You also celebrated your first Easter and I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. We really didn't do anything exciting both days but bar-b-que with my family.

Right now that is all that has gone on from month 7 to month 8. I love you so much my little man.

There is one other thing that has happened on the day you turned 8 months.

I didn't think it would ever happen but it finally has.

Your dad and I are no longer together. I have yet to cry but I will make another post on that. This is your post.

I love you my Boog I always will.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Things that make me happy

In the latest issue of Parenting magazine they had an article about being happy. They also have a book out I would love to look into called the Happy Mom. After reading that article I decided to make a post about things that currently make me happy. Especially since I have been feeling pretty crappy lately.

Grandpas who take naps outside with babies

Great-grandmas who make the best of friends

Naked babies playing

Babies who are scared of seals


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I wish I may, I wish I might....

I have a secret wish. I secretly wish to be a single mom. Since Ryan was still in my belly, and I didn't know he was a he, I wanted to be a single mom. And you know what eats me up the most inside? Every time I drive past the very spot I got down on my knees and begged Joel not to leave me I come a little closer to realizing what a HUGE mistake I made. I mean come on woman! I was sitting in a field with passing cars to the left of me and almond trees to my right, seven months pregnant and begging him. I begged, I cried. And here I am, night and day just hoping that he would just get up and go. Sometimes I secretly wonder if he does if my depression would slowly go away?

Its like every time he is near Ryan I get scared. He doesn't watch him when he is on the couch. Joel puts him close to the edge then walks away to grab something. Does he not realize that his kid is a rolling expert?! I was telling my mom yesterday that I feel like the only way Joel is going to learn is if Ryan gets hurt. But then I don't want to see Ryan my Ryan get hurt, cause then I would hate myself for letting it happen.

I feel like either I am going to have to tattoo "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER" on my forehead or I am going to have to run. I don't know, what do you think?

Now that Thursday is just a hop, skip and a jump away I am kind of looking forward to going to talk to a therapist. Maybe they can help me figure out what is best. And not what is best for me, or best for Ryan, but best for Ryan and me as a whole.

For now I have to get through another day with Joel, cross my fingers that this fourth of the month doesn't end up like every other fourth of the month.

And if you don't know what I mean by that I will tell you. June 4th, 2009 Joel asked me out. Every fourth of the month since then we have semi-celebrated. I know it's corny but it is just something we do. But, since all this fighting has been happening it seems like that every time the fourth draws near we fight then the rest of the month we are perfectly calm. I hate to see what our first wedding anniversary would be like. To be honest I can't believe we made it this far.

Am I doing the right thing?

Now that the 5th is getting closer I am starting to get more scared of going. I fear that they will take Ryan away from me. Everyone ensures me that they won't but that little voice in the back of my head that constantly tells me that 'You are a bad mother', or 'You are going to drop him' keeps telling me they are. So am I doing the right thing by going?

I really am tired of crying. One thing I am proud of is, I have not cried myself to sleep since February. So without medicine or a therapist I have made some improvement. But I still question myself, am I doing the right thing?

I really, truly, am scared....