Where do I begin?
Last Saturday Joel told me that he was going to spend Mother's Day with his mom since he figured that I would want to spend it with mine. So I told him that that was okay. I mean if that's what he wanted I was 100% cool with it, anything to make him happy. Well when Mother's Day rolled around everyone called us, family, friends, even neighbors, but no Joel. I started asking my mom and grandma if I should call him. But they both told me no that he should be calling me since I am the mother of his child.
All day long I never heard from him. And when he finally did call, around 9 at night, it was basically to chew me out because I never called him. Within that ten minute conversation he had ruined my entire Mother's Day. He kept on and on about how I don't make him feel special any more, how I don't show him I love him, how I don't bother to call him. He just kept piling it on, and the more he talked the more and more he made me feel like shit.
I cried, all night.
Then on Monday he came over and started all over again about how I never called him on Sunday and about how I don't make him feel special. He also mentioned he just wanted to give up on me that he is fed up with coming home from work to find an empty bed. You know since I moved out he has not cleaned the room up one bit. It is still the exact same since I left on December 20th. The Christmas tree is still up, along with the stockings and lights. The bathroom still has a pad laying on the back of the toilet. The last empty formula can is still sitting on the floor, I mean EVERYTHING. To be honest it's kind of creepy, like he is keeping it as some kind of shrine or something.
Anyway back to what had happened...
After I had enough and was about to burst into tears I grabbed Ryan and went into my parent's room and locked the door behind us. Joel came to the door and kept knocking, begging to be let in. I told him to leave but he didn't listen. Ryan and I sat in the dark while he knocked, "cried" and begged for me to let him in. Then it got quite and Ryan got hungry. So I decided to open the door and take a look. He wasn't there so I made a run for it only to find that Joel was actually hiding in my brother's room just waiting for me to open the door. So I ran as quick as I could to grab his bottle, formula, and water. As I made the dash back to my parent's room Joel grabbed the door and held it open. He kept begging me to talk, but I told him I didn't want too. That I just wanted him to leave me alone, that he already made me feel like shit and all I wanted was for him to leave. But did he?
He pried himself into the room. I grabbed Ryan and tried to hide in the bathroom but again he held the door. He kept telling me that all he wanted to do was hold Ryan for a second and then he would leave. He also made the comment that we were done and that he would always be there for Ryan. Secretly I just wish he would be out of both our lives for good.
So I let him hold him hoping he wouldn't take Ryan as a hostage until I sat down and talked to him. But he kept his word. He hugged him then left. I sat on the floor of my parent's bathroom and held Ryan tight and just cried.
Then yesterday he came by again wanting to talk. I still don't want to see him or even speak to him. He kept knocking and ringing the door bell. My brother was here and I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. I listened at the door. Joel kept telling me to let him in, to not be so messed up, that he wanted to talk, that he loved me, he needed me.
Finally there was silence....
I grabbed Ryan and went into my room. Then the door bell started up again. Then more knocking. Then silence. Next thing I hear is the blinds in the living room moving. I'm sitting in my room playing with Ryan and I start to hear my brother talking. Thinking that maybe he is on the phone I get up and start walking down the hall but he is whispering to someone.
After awhile he comes to my room and tells me he is gone. I asked him if he went to the patio door. Sure enough Joel went into our backyard to look through the patio door to see if we were inside.
All I have to say is he is starting to freak me out. And after all the posts about how I am unsure what I want to do about us I have finally made up my mind. We have gotten into so many fights and I was usually the one crawling back, but not this time. The only crawling I will be doing is if my car breaks down on the way to a lawyer's office and my fat ass gets to tired from walking. So let me make this clear: I AM DONE!
I told my mom today that I am tired of feeling like shit. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being an object. I am tired of being raped.
I AM DONE!
No comments:
Post a Comment