Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I wish I may, I wish I might....

I have a secret wish. I secretly wish to be a single mom. Since Ryan was still in my belly, and I didn't know he was a he, I wanted to be a single mom. And you know what eats me up the most inside? Every time I drive past the very spot I got down on my knees and begged Joel not to leave me I come a little closer to realizing what a HUGE mistake I made. I mean come on woman! I was sitting in a field with passing cars to the left of me and almond trees to my right, seven months pregnant and begging him. I begged, I cried. And here I am, night and day just hoping that he would just get up and go. Sometimes I secretly wonder if he does if my depression would slowly go away?

Its like every time he is near Ryan I get scared. He doesn't watch him when he is on the couch. Joel puts him close to the edge then walks away to grab something. Does he not realize that his kid is a rolling expert?! I was telling my mom yesterday that I feel like the only way Joel is going to learn is if Ryan gets hurt. But then I don't want to see Ryan my Ryan get hurt, cause then I would hate myself for letting it happen.

I feel like either I am going to have to tattoo "GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER" on my forehead or I am going to have to run. I don't know, what do you think?

Now that Thursday is just a hop, skip and a jump away I am kind of looking forward to going to talk to a therapist. Maybe they can help me figure out what is best. And not what is best for me, or best for Ryan, but best for Ryan and me as a whole.

For now I have to get through another day with Joel, cross my fingers that this fourth of the month doesn't end up like every other fourth of the month.

And if you don't know what I mean by that I will tell you. June 4th, 2009 Joel asked me out. Every fourth of the month since then we have semi-celebrated. I know it's corny but it is just something we do. But, since all this fighting has been happening it seems like that every time the fourth draws near we fight then the rest of the month we are perfectly calm. I hate to see what our first wedding anniversary would be like. To be honest I can't believe we made it this far.

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