Ryan and I have spent the last week camping with my family. He went on hikes, I cried. He laughed and played, I cried. He built a sand castle, I cried. He sat around a campfire, I cried. He really enjoyed himself, I cried.
I would hide in the tent, the bathroom, the shower, and cry. That is how I spent his first camping trip with a box of tissues and puffy red eyes. The reason being? Friday before we left I got a rather large envelope in the mail addressed from a lawyers office. My heart had sank. He was fighting me. He was filing for full custody, he wants to take Ryan away.
While on the trip I called a lawyer that an ex co-worker of mine told me was really good and gets the job done. So I went to pay him a visit. As I told him everything that has been going on I started to hear my voice quicken. I started to fear that even with this "damn good lawyer", as my co-worker puts it, I was going to lose him. And if I loose him, what do I have to live for? I started out the morning feeling confident and as the words slipped from my mouth all I wanted to do was run home, bury my head under the covers and cry.
I've cried a lot lately. More then when I left. More then anything he has put Ryan and me through. Just the thought of Ryan having to even spend a single night in that house makes my stomach turn.
Even now I am fighting back tears. I want this all to end. I secretly wish he would just go away. Why couldn't it be as easy as throwing out sour milk? The marriage went bad so you toss it out. He doesn't care for his son, he's relationship went Ryan went sour, throw it out. Is that just being selfish of me? I mean, Ryan doesn't even get excited when he sees him, he doesn't even talk to his dad they way he jabbers on and on to all of us. He sits there looks at him then gets excited once I walk into the room. Part of me, a huge part, hopes that when Ryan is old enough he makes the choice to not have his father around. I know, I know....selfish.
To bad genies aren't real.
So I have decided to take step one. I need to store the tissues away for another day and dig in the back of my dresser drawer to find my big girl panties. They have flowers. I will put them on, and I will deal. No more crying for now. Right now I have a fight, and fight I will.
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