It honestly drives me crazy that one second I am so happy, enjoying life. Then in the blink of an eye I feel like my entire world is crumbling around me. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before but since the sixth grade I have been secretly dealing with depression. When Ryan was born it came out into the open because it started to get worse. I started having thoughts of packing my bags and leaving him in the house alone. I would also always imagine dropping him.
Well, I started going to therapy then the damn lady kept canceling my appointments with her and moving them to another date. She did it four times till I finally gave up on it. Slowly the postpartum depression started going away.
Till recently....
I am not to sure why but Ryan has really been getting out of hand. He screams for nothing. I hold him, screams, I try feeding him, screams. I try rocking him to sleep, screams. I try walking with him, screams. Pacifier, screams. Tylenol, screams. Even just typing this I can feel it building.
I do have one thing to say though. I am truly thankful that I no longer live at Joel's house and am back with my parents. Because now that I am having those feelings of getting up and leaving Ryan again I am so grateful that my mom is there to take him from me and gives me a chance to calm down.
Last Saturday the entire day I was perfectly fine, then all of a sudden at night Ryan started fighting his sleep. He would not stop screaming. Within minutes I gave up. I put him in his crib and sat on my bed and cried myself. I just wish I knew why this keeps coming back. Why won't it just go away? I am being serious. I truly love my son but this depression is really getting to me. I feel as if when I get older Ryan and I will not have that bond like my brother and me have with my mom. It also terrifies me to know that I will have to one day tell him that there was so many times when I wanted to just abandon him.
I am not to sure if this post really has a point. I think it is mainly to get some of these feelings out. It's hard when I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone just tells me "Oh you just need to get over it," or my favorite "Well its your fault." I am really not sure if its my fault or not but I do know that when certain things happen or certain people talk to me in a certain way that is when it hits me.
I have made another appointment to talk to a different therapist. Though I am terrified...what if she does the same thing to me as the last one did? Again I say...I wish this would just go away.
::publish post::
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