9: A New Year, a new life...

I know I promised I would follow up Flash Back of 2010 Part 1 but part of me only finds the first half of the year the most enjoyable. Because with the second half, other then taking Joel to Disneyland for the first time, the only day I truly enjoyed, was the day my son was born.

Honestly September 9th has to be the best day out of my whole entire life!

That moment I feel head over heels in love with my husband again. He had given me the greatest gift I will ever know, the joy of being a mother. But as my love for my son grows, the love for my husband slowly fades. As of today I haven't been living with my husband for 3 weeks. Since the 20th I've begun to question my relationship with him altogether. Does he really love me or am I just someone he has sex with? Then I begin to think, when you have sex with someone isn't it for love? Is it? Someone please tell me it is cause I'm starting to question that.

If it is then why do I cry every time we partake in it? Does that mean he loves me? I hadn't seen Joel in almost a week. When I first saw him all I wanted to do was go out to eat and talk about what we had been up to that week. I wanted that whole first date experience to happen. What was his first reaction when he saw me? One hand up the shirt, the other down the back side of my pants.

You may start to wonder why am I even mentioning all of this if this blog is suppose to be about my adventures with baby. Well that's the thing, its part of an adventure. I've noticed when I stay awake at night crying, bawling, wishing my life would end that very moment. My son lays awake at night with me into the early morning hours, he just lays there and watches me as tears pour out my eyes. He lays there and waits for me to calm down and collect myself. He waits there silently, waits to catch my eye, and the moment he does...

he smiles that big ol' gummy bear grin I've grown to love. He melts my heart, he makes all the hurt, all the pain just go away. That one simple smile. Eyes squeezed shut, mouth wide open, hands held together close to his mouth. Its the best medicine! I start to forget that just moments ago I was crying my eyes out. And within seconds its gone again. He lays there looking at me like he knows its all better, that I'm no longer hurting.

So what is left to do? Cuddle up next to him, holding my son close and falling asleep. I've suffered from depression for so long, and who knew that being a mom for only 4 short months could change all that.

I love my son and I'm starting to believe he loves me.

But for my husband, that's a whole other story.