Dear Mind

Ryan has been asleep for two hours now and her I still lay wide awake. I can't even stop my mind from wandering and it keeps wandering to the same thing. On Sunday my ex sister-in-law passed away. I can't even put into words how I felt when I received the news but the one thing I can not stand is how Ryan's dad is using this against me.

Monday when he came for his visit it started out with him blaming me. If I never would have left him he would still have his dog, who also passed away, and his sister. It's all my fault. Then after an hour of just sitting there with him playing quietly with Ryan he turned it into a way of trying to get me back. I couldn't believe. I felt sorry for the guy and then he does this? How sick can you get?

So now I sit here and the conversation keeps replaying over and over again in my head. "I've realized life is short I don't want to die without you by my side." Part of me wants to slap some sense into him. But then part of me just feels sorry for the guy. If he would have just kept his mouth shut I probably wouldn't have pushed him farther back.

I know its just gonna end up being another long night of laying in my dark room staring at a blurry clock trying to make out if it says 12 or 2. So please mind, can you give a girl a break. Just this once?

My big boy

Someone is now sleeping in a big boy bed. He had a mini crib and has had trouble sleeping for awhile now. So far we are two and half hours into the new bed and not a peep or movement. I think I will start to sleep through the night once again. It's been awhile.

Step One: Put Your Big Girl Panties On

Ryan and I have spent the last week camping with my family. He went on hikes, I cried. He laughed and played, I cried. He built a sand castle, I cried. He sat around a campfire, I cried. He really enjoyed himself, I cried.

I would hide in the tent, the bathroom, the shower, and cry. That is how I spent his first camping trip with a box of tissues and puffy red eyes. The reason being? Friday before we left I got a rather large envelope in the mail addressed from a lawyers office. My heart had sank. He was fighting me. He was filing for full custody, he wants to take Ryan away.

While on the trip I called a lawyer that an ex co-worker of mine told me was really good and gets the job done. So I went to pay him a visit. As I told him everything that has been going on I started to hear my voice quicken. I started to fear that even with this "damn good lawyer", as my co-worker puts it, I was going to lose him. And if I loose him, what do I have to live for? I started out the morning feeling confident and as the words slipped from my mouth all I wanted to do was run home, bury my head under the covers and cry.

I've cried a lot lately. More then when I left. More then anything he has put Ryan and me through. Just the thought of Ryan having to even spend a single night in that house makes my stomach turn.

Even now I am fighting back tears. I want this all to end. I secretly wish he would just go away. Why couldn't it be as easy as throwing out sour milk? The marriage went bad so you toss it out. He doesn't care for his son, he's relationship went Ryan went sour, throw it out. Is that just being selfish of me? I mean, Ryan doesn't even get excited when he sees him, he doesn't even talk to his dad they way he jabbers on and on to all of us. He sits there looks at him then gets excited once I walk into the room. Part of me, a huge part, hopes that when Ryan is old enough he makes the choice to not have his father around. I know, I know....selfish.

To bad genies aren't real.

So I have decided to take step one. I need to store the tissues away for another day and dig in the back of my dresser drawer to find my big girl panties. They have flowers. I will put them on, and I will deal. No more crying for now. Right now I have a fight, and fight I will.

Playhouse Dreaming

When one becomes a mother certain things happen to her that she never even realized. It comes so natural to us on how to take care of a baby, along with a few calls to mom, grandma, friend's with babies, and/or the neighbor down the street with the three year old. But there are other things that happen that one day smack you in the head and you freeze in that moment and realize exactly what your doing.

Like when every nursery rhyme you've ever learned comes back to you. Or how you stand in the cereal aisle singing and dancing the "Hot Dog" dance because you know it makes your little one smile.

Well, that time has finally come.

Before I was a mom I never thought about "Humpty Dumpty" or "Little Boy Blue" but now those names are constantly slipping out of my mouth more so then the latest gossip. But the one that has really gotten me is how Disney Junior has now invaded my dreams.

My dreams use to be filled with sexy, half naked men showing me with lavishing gifts. Instead I've been dreaming about Handy Manny coming over to my house to fix the Mousekadoer I borrowed from Mickey because I accidentally broke it. I mean Handy Manny is cute right? What am I thinking? I probably shouldn't even say that or Kelly might kick my ass in tonight's dream.


Happy dreaming...If you happen to see Kelly in your dream don't tell her where I'm at.

It has finally hit me

For the past two days I have buried my head in party planning. On Tuesday I heard a song on the radio that really got to me. It made me think of my relationship with Ryan's dad. The how idea of the song was no matter how many times the guy screwed up the girl would always take him back and love him forever. That use to be me. Every time he told me "I will change" the dummy that I was believed him. And now that it's going on two months since I left him I am starting to feel the loneliness of divorce.

I long for someone to hold my hand, to hold my hand and to tell me how pretty I am. So I called him. Asked him how we were and if there was ever a chance of getting back together. You know in the "near" future.

But now I have realized I have screwed up. I never should have said anything cause now every time I talk to him that is all that he talks about. Today I was on the phone with him for an hour and the only words I got in was "I don't know" and "Ryan is asleep" the rest of the conversation was him rambling on and on about how much he has changed. But has he really? He even told me that maybe I just need to date someone else that way I can get it out of my system...seeing how I was on the verge of cheating on him anyway. His words, not mine.

I really would love to see someone, just a friend nothing romantic. But I think as long as I stay away from the country stations on the radio I won't be thinking about Ryan's dad like that again.

9 months, 1 month

Shall I start with the good or the better?

I say good.

On the 9th two wonderful events were celebrated. Not only did my little Boog turn 9 months but it has been 1 month since I entered back into the world of happiness. And I have to say I am diggin' being happy. If you couldn't have guessed this is the good part. The better part is my Boog turning 9 months. Can you believe this 20 lb 10 ounce bundle of joy is now 9 months.

He has been eating thicker solids and has even mastered finger foods like toast and bananas. But there has been a down side since turning three quarters of a year. Since Thursday Ryan has been suffering from tummy issues. It even ended up with blood coming from somewhere blood shouldn't be. I took him to the doctor's on Friday and the doctor didn't even seem to care. Looked at him for a second and sent us on our merry way. Even when I tried to talk to him he said that it was perfectly normal and to slap some vaseline on his butt. Um, excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? Blood isn't a big deal? Looks like he is loosing a patient. So now we are on day four and just starting to see some change. I will still be taking him to a new doctor, hopefully tomorrow.

So bye bye purple room and hello proper health care.

Lately Ryan has also taken a fancy to standing solo. He will let go of our hands or the couch and stand for about 30 seconds then get so excited he makes himself fall over. So far this has to be the cutest thing he has done, other then his spider monkey crawl.

He's also been showing a lot of interest in certain things. Right now he is really big into the refrigerator.

He will high tail it into the kitchen as soon as he hears it open. He just loves to explore inside. But his one true love has to be the outdoors. I have countless pictures of him staring out the patio door. I really hope this stays with him when he grows up.

Tomorrow I am going to take him to the park and let him roam free. I'm sure we will both enjoy that.

High on Life

When you were a child did you every lay out in the grass and look up at the clouds? I've always found the sky to be so enchanting. Every day was something new, no two are alike. Call me crazy but I think late at night while everyone is sleeping Mother Nature is hard at work painting out the next day. Making sure every cloud bunny is extra fluffy, getting the golden hues of the sun to the right shade, filling in gray rain clouds with tiny droplets. Each day more beautiful then the next. I even find rainy, cloudy days to be beautiful.

But I've started to wonder if Mother Nature painted these past two days for me?

Saturday was filled with grays, whites, and blacks. Occasionally Mother Nature would let a little sliver of blue shine through. Just a reminder that through all those clouds blue skies are shining bright. Saturday also happened to be two years since Ryan's dad and I have...well should have been... together. The whole day I felt down in the dumps. Fighting tears that wanted to fall, just like the clouds in the sky fought so it wouldn't rain.

But thanks to my best friend, heck my sister, and her boyfriend who had a house warming party my spirits slowly lifted. I guess it also helps that there were many people there, some I didn't even know, that loved on my Ryan. And by the looks of it he was loving all that attention. I just wish I had my camera cause he made his first friend. I do want to point out though that this future 9 month old is not shy when it comes to making friends. This kid has balls! Ryan wasn't the only one who made a new friend. I just so happened to make one too.

And the next morning after all the laughter, shouting of joy, beers, margaritas, Cranium, puppies, babies, deer burgers, cow burgers, nachos, "I forgot the cheese", and babies reaching out to be held and loved...

That sky that very same sky that only hours ago was threatening to rain on an amazing house warming parade was the bluest of blue. The sun light up the sky like fire works on the Fourth of July. It was as if Mother Nature knew herself that today, this day out of three hundred sixty five of them, that this would be the day that I realized that I am happy and I no longer have to fear or worry about a certain someone.

Can I repeat that one more time? Mother Nature are you listening?

I am happy....